Just what Canterbury needs right now – a fucking prayer-wheel!

Let me paint the scene here in Canterbury: some houses still don’t have power, buildings are being demolished, schools closed, police patrol the inner-city to prevent looting and injury, the sleepless population is under stress from on-going after-shocks as high as 6 on the Richter Scale, business’s are closed and struggling to survive.

Faced with a catastrophe of this scale, pray-tell what is New Zealand’s Buddhist Communities solution to Canterbury’s woes?

Well their top-temple up in Auckland is going to spin its giant purpose-built prayer wheel, said to be the worlds largest (wop de fuck) and magically spread ‘calmness’ down to the frazzled peoples of Canterbury.

This is frankly a well-meaning load of cobblers we could do without.

If the Buddhist community wants to genuinely assist Cantabrians I can suggest a more pressing piece of philanthropy that will create more calmness and inner peace than even a prayer-wheel built on the same scale as one of Jupiter’s moons.

Tragically amongst the businesses/buildings damaged in the first quake was New Zealand Breweries operation in Christchurch.

Horror of all horrors imaginable - the pubs in Canterbury are now running dry.

So stop wasting valuable-time spinning that wheel & get your best monks from The Dorje Chang Institute on ‘mercy mission’ down south.

Set them to work repairing our local brewery!

Its Birds and Booze for the new Lama!

24-year-old Spainard Osel Hita Torres – made international headlines back in 1985, when, aged five months, he was “recognised” (this process is worth a dissertation in itself ) as the “reincarnation” of Lama Thubten Yeshe, who shuffled off this mortal coil back in 1984.

Hand-picked by the Dalai Lama (refer above photo, taken from his childhood), he was put on a gold throne and worshipped by monks, who literally venerated him as a god.

Well it appears the austere, sacred life, holed-up in a monastery in Northern Indian, was not for Osel.

Much to the embarrassment and consternation amongst Buddhists, their ‘living-God’ is now back in Spain, doing the nightclub circuit, getting pissed, and getting laid.

Apparently he also enjoys football as well (with a surname Torres, it’s hardly a surprise)

The Spanish Football Premier League, is known as the La Liga.

In view of the subject matter, I have re-named ‘The Osel Hita Torres Spanish League-Table’, as ‘The La Liquor’ or ‘La Lick-Her’

Currently The La Liquor/La Lick-Her 'Table' reads:

1st ; Pussy
2nd: Beer and hard liquor
3rd: Football
4th: Being a living-God to millions of devotees

The Fuhrer of the Himalayas - A Cynics Guide to Tibet’s Dalai Lama’s

This article continues my expose on ‘the dark-side’ of pre-invasion Tibet.

My intention is to add some well needed balance, prick the popular consciousness of the masses - who have up to this point - a mental image of a poor, deeply religious, pure, and blissfully happy country high-up in the Himalayas.

A peaceful & harmonious society founded on Buddhism, ruled by the benign, benevolent & loved leader, The Dalai Lama.

A paradise lost, when the Chinese invaded in 1950.

So what do we know about the rule of The Dalai Lama’s before the invasion?

Let’s start from the beginning.

The Dalai Lama is regarded by Tibetans as one of a succession of incarnations of the Buddha of Compassion, Chenrezig ( The Seeing-Eye Lord), the first Dalai Lama Dge-dun-grub-pa (1391-1475) We are up to the 14th incarnation.

When a Dalai Lama dies, a search is conducted to find his reincarnation. This search can take years, as high lamas travel parts of Tibet looking for boys who fit the description of ‘The Living Buddah’.

So now you know a little about what a Dalai Lama ‘is’, let’s talk about their rule, look back on them the same way we would look upon a royal dynasty in say Europe.

Rather ironically as it happens, the first Dalai Lama was installed by Lamist interests who assassinated the last Tibetan King, with the backing of the Kublai Khan (the name ‘Dalai Lama’ actually comes from the Mongolian language)

Between the 17th century and 1959, the Dalai Lama was the head of the Tibetan Government.

As you will see from the biographies below, during the majority of this ‘modern’ period there was no adult Dalai Lam on the throne in Tibet. This power vacuum was filled by powerful abbots who acted as ‘regent advisors’, who trained, educated and on occasion where it was politically expedient, even killed the young Dalai Lama.

Despite their status amongst the people of Tibet as ‘living-Gods’, a total of 6 out of 14 Dalai Lama’s have been assassinated or died under mysterious, unexplained circumstances that were in essence ‘hushed-up’, not to scare the lowly plebeians.

Dalai Lama’s regularly feel victim to powerful clichés within the clerical establishment, external political pressure, and the competing Buddhist sects who were not adverse to engage in armed hostilities to gain power over a rival.

Historical record shows us the 9th,10th, 11th, 12th Dalai Lama’s all died prematurely, before they could assume the authority to govern on their own.

It’s time to learn more about the shadowy sides of the Tibetan monastic state.

9th DALAI LAMA: Was born in around 1805 (no one is sure about this, could be 1806)Infighting within Tibet was rife. Anyway he didn’t make it to his, tenth birthday, but again details on the date of his death are hazy. A teenager he wasn’t. The ‘popular money’ is he was poisoned by a sect of disenchanted Lamists, who wanted a rival to take power.

10TH DALAI LAMA: Located after a ‘lot-drawing ceremony’, in which the candidates names were first whittled-down and then put into a golden urn, spun around until the ‘winning’ name fell-out. He made it to the ripe old age (for a Dalai Lama, that is) 21, and then died under mysterious circumstances in 1837. The 10th had recently increased taxes, so he wasn’t the most popular of rulers, so assassination is the most likely cause of his early demise. There are varying reports he was poisoned, a ceiling of his chamber fell on him, and some who saw his corpse reported a wound to his throat. Put it this way – he didn’t die of old age or what would be called ‘natural causes’.

11th DALAI LAMA: Was ‘found’ at the age of three, like his predecessors his lucky (or should that be unlucky?) ‘ball’ come out in the lot draw. He came from the most humble of backgrounds - his father made a living collecting animal crap. Another who found becoming a Dalai Lama was a life-shortening exercise, and following the family career path may have actually been a preferable choice. Dropped dead suddenly at age 18, of what was framed a ‘mysterious illness’. Given what we know about his two predecessors, odds are he was bumped-off, most likely poisoned.

12th DALAI LAMA: The ecclesiastical ‘Ground-Hog Day’ continues with number twelve. Another who was a winner at the lot(to) draw and found, like his smaller numerated forebears, living in a palace with hundreds of servants came with some a serious downside, and was certainly no precursor to a long-life . Died suddenly at The Potala Palace, of what yet again was termed ‘a mysterious illness’ aged 18. By now you’ll observe a lot of this deadly ‘mysterious illness’ going about in the Lama conclave.

13TH DALAI LAMA: Given the last four Dalai Lama’s were little more than figureheads, and were rubbed-out before ascending to power, Tibet was imploding on itself when the 13th came onboard (1878) The 13th had to flee Tibet twice, first when the British invaded in 1904 and then when the Chinese/Manchu descended on Lhasa five years later. The 13th reincarnate of The Buddha of Compassion, wasn’t adverse himself to employing assassination to rid himself of a rival - the Panchen Lama having to escape Tibet in 1933 because he feared the Dalai Lama was about to have him killed. Although he lived to 57 his life wasn’t any less precarious than those of the 9th, 10th 11th & 12th, Dalai Lama’s. This living-god at least got to justify his mantle, having the good fortune to survive three known attempts on his life, all from Buddhist rivals, including his nephew Norbu Tsering – who was executed along with 20-30 accomplices.

Having read this, and being somewhat more ‘enlightened’ as to the workings of Lamaism, it’s time to ask - what exactly is it - the Free Tibet groups are wanting?

Is there anyone from these pressure groups who can explain what was ‘free’ about the old Tibet?

The undefined term ‘autonomy’ is often bandied around.

Given what history teaches us, ‘autonomy’ in Tibet equates to a country run by dictatorship under a small cliché of Lama’s, and in modern times on the odd occasion where the incarnate got to make it to maturity, by a Dalai Lama.

Wake-up Sharon Stone & Joanna Lumley, the last time Tibet was autonomist women, were never given a say in affairs, rendered poor & powerless.

Serfs, who comprised 80% of the population, were similarly politically impotent, under the brand of autonomy advocated by the actor & activist Richard Gere.

Can we all take a ticket in the lotto draw for the next Dalai Lama, or do we need to be a member of a Free Tibet group and a confirmed Buddhist first?

And let’s all remind ourselves world, who it is that stands to gain the most, by re-establishing an ‘autonomist’ Tibet?

That’s right, the Fuhrer of the Himalayas, who would rather we all conveniently ignored the historical record of Lamist abuse, and simply embrace the myth of a peaceful oasis, with him on the throne.

The next time you meet someone who calls for a Free Tibet ask them to define what the ‘free’ means?

If they fail to include a Tibet free of Lamaism in their summation, by default they are admitting they know nothing of the complexities & history of this country.

By seeking a return to power of The Dalai Lama and his cronies, Free-Tibetans are in fact advocating replacing the despotic Chinese with a power-structure that is as undemocratic, oppressive & pitiless.

10 Facts About Tibet The Dalai Lama Doesn't Want You To Know

Peaceful, colourful, timeless, the preservers of timeless wisdom.

An apt description of this peculiar western phenomena of Tibetan adoration, comes from author Slavoj Zizek.

‘Colonialisation of the imaginary’.

Highly romanticised versions of traditional Tibetan life still hold sway in the minds of westerners, much of which being the products of Hollywood movies, books by the dozen, and the not inconsiderable ‘machinery’ of the Free Tibet movement & it’s legion of high-profile stars.

China on the other hand is reviled as the heartless invaders who systematically destroyed centuries of Tibetan culture.

The portrayal of pre and post invasion Tibet is starkly white then black.

It wasn’t always this way.

At one stage in the early 18th century the British reports of the day painted Tibet & China as both ‘oriental despotisms’ ruled by men who claim to be God. These Asian man-god rulers were similarly despised in Europe based on principals that were at odds with Christian sensibilities.

Emmanuael Kant described Tibet as ‘a dark cruel theocracy’ and Rousseau as ‘oppressive and bizarre’.

During World War Two the Chinese were allies, fighting for the freedom of Asia, five years later it was China rather than Japan that operated a totalitarian regime.

Another popular ideal that needs dispelling is the myth of isolation, that’s to say, Tibet was some-how sealed-off from the hurly-burly and troublesome world around it, it’s mountains acting as a natural barrier to outsiders.

In reality, there was a substantial Muslim population from Asia Minor, Armenians, Afghanis (then called Kashmir’s) and Russians as far afield as Siberia, all living and trading in Tibet.

Religious pilgrims regularly travelled there from Mongolia, Nepal, India, Japan and Sri Lanka (formerly Ceylon)

For over 300 years a strange assortment of Europeans made their way to Tibet, staring with the Portuguese in the 17th Century. French, Russians, English, German, Swedish all travelled the country either on formal state or church sponsored missions or independent adventurers.

It’s also worth placing some historic perspective on the Chinese/Tibetan relationship by making mention - strange as it may seem today - Tibet invaded & held large tracts of China at varying stages.

So what do we know about pre-annexation Tibet?

Much of this comes from the reports of the fore-mentioned European explorers and expeditions, which by the 19th century provided the first insights of what life was like for the peasants. Up to this point much of the focus had been on the religious aspects of life in Tibet, fractious pictorial depictions to titillate & create wonderment for insulated readers ‘back home’.

The list I’ve compiled entitled ‘10 Facts about Tibet The Dalai Lama Doesn’t Want You To Know’ largely uses transcripts taken between 1850 and 1950 (covering the period of rule of the 11th – 14th Dalai Lamas)

Even the creation of the Lamist system of government will destroy another sacred cow. The early Lamas, evidently held scant regard for the ethos of peaceful resistance, seizing power by force - namely assassinating the last Tibetan King.

As you work through them, keep in mind the Dalai Lamas were both the secular & ecclesiastical leaders of Tibet.

To use a modern analogy, ‘they were where the buck stopped’.

FACT ONE: Tibetans practiced a spiritual form of medicine. One of the more bizarre beliefs, were the mystical healing powers lamas possessed. Just being able to touch a holy person was enough to cure a raft of diseases. And for those unable to get close to a deity like the Dalai Lam, the god-man came to them, in the form of urine and excrement (the later was dried & made into a pill, for swallowing)Spittle from a lama was similarly treasured for its healing powers.

FACT TWO: Without basic sanitary conditions, hygiene, rubbish-collection, running water, modern medical care like hospitals & preventive medicines, pre-Chinese Tibet was beset with chronic health problems. Small pox was rife enough for the 13th Dalai Lama to suffer its rages. Cataracts, leprosy, tuberculosis were also prevalent. But, the most widespread affliction suffered by the general population was venereal disease.

FACT THREE: Infant mortality was around 1 in 2 (one set of figures put it as high as 3 in 4)The current Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso (born 1935) tells of his mother giving birth to 14 children, 6 of which died as babies.

FACT FOUR: The old Tibetan word for woman is Kiemen (or kye-mi) The literal translation of this is ‘inferior birth’ of ‘lower birth’. Tibetan Buddhists believed only males could achieve ‘nirvana’. A Buddhist prayer commonly recited went along the lines “may I reject a feminine body and be reborn a male one”.

FACT FIVE: Prior to the Chinese invasion there were only two small schools operating in the whole of Tibet (using the term school in the modern secular interpretation of the word) These schools educated teenage boys starting at age 14. Eligibility was confined to nobility, families of high ranking monks and government officials.

FACT SIX: At any one time 15 to 20 per cent of the male population were monks. Rendering a large percentage of the work-force effectively ‘redundant’ was a large economic burden on an already fragile economy. Feeding and clothing this vast monastic empire fell to the serfs & peasants who were not only subservient & bound to the local monastery, the state, but also the aristocratic lord, whose lands it was, they were tenant-farming.

FACT SEVEN: Serfs, who made-up around 80% of the population (again figures vary) were ‘tied to their master’s’. Under the Tibetan feudal system, peasants were rendered virtually powerless. They couldn’t travel, marry, trade etc, without permission or consent of their masters. About 500 families controlled 80% of the countries wealth.

FACT EIGHT: With so few jails operating, a more summary form of justices was employed, which may have been a blessing considering the Government Jail operating in Lhasa was part cesspit, part prison, from which inmates were released from their squalor for just two days a year. At the disposal of the law administrators (read; rich lords, religious fraternities and government officials) were a whole range of crude medieval type torture devices: manacles, red hot irons, implements to gouge eyes out, hanging by thumbs, crippling, sewing the guilty party into a sack and throwing them into a river, spikes under finger-nails, forcing pepper into the eyes – were all a realities of the pre-invasion justice system for the ‘docile’ Buddhist peoples of Tibet.

FACT NINE: An indication of how backward & uneducated Tibetans were in 1950 – most people thought the world was flat.

FACT TEN: Travellers & adventurers to Lhasa (translated as ‘Place of the Gods) were not only overawed by the sight of the city and the magnificent Potala Palace, they were also overcome by its stench. In his time there, the current Dalai Lama made constant mention to his entourage about the ever-present smell & dirt caused by lack of proper sanitation, rubbish collection & absence of a sewage system. The National Geographic expedition of 1904 described the streets of Lhasa as ‘narrow and filthy’. A year earlier a Swedish explorers said of Lhasa “everything from top to toe is filthy”. Popular British Journalist, Edmond Candler, renowned for his literary depictions of his travels in the region, gave his readers this mental image of Lhasa in 1905 “We found the city squalid and filthy beyond description, undrained and unpaved”. Indeed descriptions of Tibet as a whole also mirrored these views. German traveller Theodore Illion going as far as telling his readers “Tibet ranks amongst the most filthy countries in the world”. We see similar depictions of pre-1950 Tibet amongst virtually all the writers. “On the sides of the roads were heaps of rubbish”. “Revoltingly filthy”. “Dark and Ill-Smelling" etc etc.

Note: All this information was available to me courtesy of one afternoon at my local public library & access to a photocopy-machine. In short, I didn't have to look far. Given all the glossy 'warm fuzzy' stuff which is written about Tibet, one thinks more journalists should perhaps avail themselves of the details of pre-invasion Tibet, sitting on their dusty library shelves. Now you have a better insight in to the 'real Tibet' - don't you agree?