Monday, September 29, 2008

New Zealand Sunday School Teachers Engaging in Animal Sex (no bull, just canine)

Yes, my headline is provocative but bestiality isn’t something that hits the mainstream New Zealand media that often, but it’s been in the headlines twice in the last few months, under very similar circumstances.

In July, Raphael Giuseppe Caccioppoli, 37, who had been a member and Sunday school teacher with the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was sentenced to five years jail down in Invercargill.

Included in Raphael’s long list of convictions were (amongst other things): performing an indecent act on two boys aged 10 and 12 years old, sexual violation, indecent assault and committing an act of indecency on a dog.

The court was told the Mormon Church knew Caccioppoli had sexually offended against boys, but did not tell The Police. In fact the Church was made aware of his offending way back in 1998.

Then last week there was the case of the Dunedin plumber & bell-ringer.

The former Master of the Bells at Dunedin’s First Church, David Hockley, was jailed for 7 ½ years for prolonged and predatory sexual offending against a young girl.

The victim was 13-years-old, when the offending started, an A-grade pupil with a dream of becoming a veterinary surgeon, but after she was raped and sexually abused, her school grades declined dramatically.


The Dunedin court heard how Hockley befriended the financially struggling family, ingratiating himself with them to gain access to her. At the time, she and her mother both taught Sunday school and Hockley asked if he could take her to church to teach her to ring bells, as it would be good exercise.

The rest of the story you can guess, but with one little embellishment.

As part of his pre-rape ritual, Hockley would stimulate himself (little imagination needed here) to pornographic videos.

His preferred subject matter was bestiality, which his victim was forced to watch.

As with the case in Invercargill, Dunedin’s First Church was ‘aware’ of the allegations but they stood by their man, even allowing him to teach others, right up to the point Hockley plead guilty to the charges.

The two cases that show striking similarities (a.) both pedophiles were God fearing Sunday School teachers, pillars of their communities, exploiting their position of power (b.) when their long-term offending came to the attention of their respective Churches, both parties opted to bury their heads in the sand rather than alerting authorities, thus allowing the offending to continue unabated (c.) both sicko’s got their kicks engaging in animal sex.


Some questions remain unanswered, like:

- Which version of Noah’s Ark fable did children learn when these guys were running classes!?

- Should Mormon’s from Southland be forth-with known as members of The Church of The Latter Day Saint Bernards?

- Spooky thought that there may be a Dunedin Second Church? If so, what have their ‘flock’ (had to include that thinly veiled pun somewhere, this is a Kiwi blog after all) been up-to, bearing in mind the level of deviancy that’s going on, at their more illustrious name-sakes?

Last but not least, what the hell was wrong with sheep the rest of us Kiwi’s manage to get by with, eh?!

I ask you, what's the country coming to, when sheep have to play second fiddle to dogs in our childrens Sunday School Classes?

Sunday, September 28, 2008

The Pope Delusion


People must accept death at “the hour chosen by God,” Pope Benedict XVI recently told a crowd of desperate pilgrims at Lourdes.

His word of comfort to the sick and dying were, we should bite the bullet and submit.
“The grace to accept, without fear or bitterness, to leave this world at the hour chosen by God."

"There are struggles that we cannot sustain alone, without the help of divine grace,"

Why not just tell the poor sods to go home and die, and be done with?

In a nut-shell, the Ex-Nazi Pope was telling all us bipedal primates there, it’s this all powerful invisible being, that decides if our next breath will happen to be our last.

He and his fellow 98.3% chimpanzee’s, are all at the mercy of his God and owe our continuing existence to this being, and nothing we can do as mere humans, is going to change his grand plan.

Gods influence pervades everything, accept it, don’t fight it - then die, and if it’s a miserable death, tough shit.

Mankind may bring starvation upon itself with over population, but it’s God who decides who become one of its wretched victim.

Mankind may start wars but it is God that will guide the bullets, the ones that miss, and the ones that strike between the eyes.

Mankind may have invented medicine, but it is God who decides if it works.

Hail to the invisible omnipotent Roman Emperor who sits in space lowering his/her thumb upon the elderly and newborns alike.

What a ghastly thought, that billions of so-called intelligent, educated humans share in his twisted delusion.

An invisible being called God who decides who will live and die, on a whim of his/her dictate.

Just as worryingly Benedick, also espouses a doctrine that mankind should be in raptures at this cosy arrangement we have with his God (strange I can’t remember signing that contract, can you?)

We should be eternally happy with this arrangement, that no matter what we do, and that also includes prayer & medical intervention, we have no right as humans to have any say in who lives & dies.

That’s Gods choosing - now piss off and suffer your comeuppance mere mortal.

Don’t be bitter, rest in peace safe in the solace it is was the time of Gods choosing. Don't worry about the tears & pain of family and friends, be happy, God has spoken.

Whatever you do don't ponder the suffering and injustice of the death process. These matters are far too complicated for you bipedal chimps, and best left to God and his legions of devotees, who are closer to him/her and more 'in tune' with his/her workings like cancer and Aids etc.

And if God wasn’t busy enough deciding who lives & dies on planet earth every second of every day, he/she has time to individually receive millions of prayers, influence the oceans and elements, decide football results, pick lotto numbers, plan road accidents, drag bodies from aircraft fuselages, cure the sick, disease the healthy, watch over the plankton in the ocean, sit at the end of the bed when you are masturbating, make good things happen to bad people, create iconic nature scenes for Calendars etc etc.

What a fatalistic and Orwellian picture Benedick and The Catholic Church paints of the world we live in.

Lucky for mankind, none of God business is true.


Thursday, September 25, 2008

Disney’s worst kept secret is out: Mickey Mouse is Satan




Children I want to warn ya'

Cuz I've been to California

Where Mickey Mouse is a demon

[Aquabats: 'Idiot Box']








Last week we were greeted with the news from a Saudi Sheikh Muhammad Munajid, that the loveable Mickey-Mouse was "one of Satan's soldiers".

He then went further stating “everything he touches impure”.
The cleric, a former diplomat at the Saudi embassy in Washington DC, said that under Sharia, both household mice and their cartoon counterparts must be killed.

Strangely I find myself agreeing with the good Sheikh.

I’ve always had suspicions myself about Mr M. Mouse. May be it was because, he’s always smiling?

Or those oversized shoes? (a thinly veiled Freudian link to the size of his genetalia,if I ever
saw one) Now you’ll see why there’s always a satisfied smirk on Minnies face.

Goofy is another Disney character worthy of dissection, bent as a row of tent pegs if you ask me.

Donald Duck, has to be the poorest example of anthropomorphism going, and should be banned if only for this reason.


Disney officials stated "Walts head is not available for comment"


Yes, it’s about time we ‘righteous ones’ purged our children’s lives of all cartoon characters.

Add to this list of ‘pollutants of young minds’: The Imperialistic Thomas the Tank Engine, Zionist Sesame Street, and don’t get me going on Pooh Beer.

The children of Mohammed (praise be unto him) should not be exposed to such filth.

Our Sons (but obviously not daughters) should be at school, learning how to handle explosives & assemble a Kalashnikov in under 30 seconds, rote learning all 114 chapters of the Qur’an - not laughing & enjoying at cartoons with universal appeal.

All disciples of The One True Prophet (praise be to his name) must be able to find ‘The Great Satan’ on a World Map by the age of five.

Our brother Sheikh Muhammad Munajid has put a line in the Holy desert sands.

"Mickey Mouse has become an awesome character, even though according to Islamic law, Mickey Mouse should be killed in all cases."

But wait!

Rejoice, followers of the one true prophet (praise to God, the only God is God) thanks to our brothers in Palestine we may have found solution to this impasse.

An Islamic version of Mickey has been created for the enjoyment & enlightenment of our children!

Allah’s will is truly strong!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Rejoice New Zealand: Clark & Key are both Atheists!


As you’ll no doubt be aware, there are two major Election Campaigns dominating the World Press [makes sound, as if clearing his throat]

New Zealand and that other place (you know, the non-descript one, that spawned WWF and ‘Game Shows’ as their sole contributions towards the advancement of culture on the planet)

The ‘tectonic’ differences between electioneering in N.Z versus that in the U.S.A, is best exemplified by the impact religion has in political campaigning, or the lack of it.

By in large, New Zealanders don’t want a bar of openly religious candidates, of any political persuasion.

A good case in point is the position taken by the leaders of the two major political parties.

That is – neither, confirm nor deny.

Compare this to the U.S where the rabid Press will hound an ‘old Sunday School teacher’ if there’s some controversy to dredge-up. Obama’s ex Preacher, anyone?

Its God bless America, from all sides of the political spectrum, no room for an unbeliever.

But, back ‘down-under’ and that November 8th Election.

From what little is available in the public arena about this part of Helen Clark (Labour Party) & John Key’s (National Party) personal life, it’s clear neither of them, could be remotely considered ‘religious’ in the theist sense of the term.

Neither of them attends Church, at least not of their own volition.

Historically when the contentious question of ‘personal beliefs’ has arisen, Clark & Key have been managed to side-step the question by ‘fence sitting’. Both are noticeably uncomfortable at this line of questioning.

When Clark was once asked by a religious commentator "Do you believe Jesus Christ is the son of God?" she was quoted as saying "I have no religious convictions. I respect those that do. I have no opinion to offer. I'm an agnostic."

Contrastingly, Clark is happy to lay claim to her political party’s historic religious ties, when political expediency was required, having once told reporters: Labour was based on a tradition of Methodism and Christian Socialism.

This agenda of flakiness is the much the same story with Key.

Here’s a transcript of his 2004 interview with Lisa Owen on TVNZ’s ‘Agenda’ program:

Q.) Do you believe in God, John?
A.) That’s an interesting question do I believe in God. I don’t believe in life after death.

Q.) Do you believe in God? (Lisa, repeating question)
A.) Well I don’t believe in life after death, I don’t know how you'd define it really.

Q.) Are you agnostic, are you atheist?
A.) Well if your asking me if I'm religious it depends how you define religion, I look at religion as doing the right thing, I don’t define that as someone that goes to church necessarily on a Sunday, I mean I go to church a lot with the kids but I wouldn’t describe it as something that I – I'm not a heavy believer, my mother was Jewish which technically makes me Jewish, yeah I probably see it in a slightly more relaxed way.

Then a year later he’s quoted in the pro-creationist magazine ‘Investigate’ as “having lived my life by Christian principals”.

See what I mean about side-stepping?

Having, the proverbial ‘dollar each way’.

Picture this line of questioning of our two leading politicians:

Q 1.) John/Helen, do you believe in Ghosts?
A.) No, I’m not really superstitious (x 2)

Q 2.) John/Helen, do you believe in Holy Ghosts?
A.) Depends on how you define Holy Ghosts. I’m really not sure, and not that superstitious normally, but I respect others who do believe in Holy Ghosts.

Virtually the same question would solicit, different answers.

That’s because both prospective Prime-Ministers, wish to hide their ghastly little secret, from the New Zealand public.

“I’m an Atheist”.

Yikes, run for the crucifix and clove of garlic.

One, could perhaps read into this, that both Labour & National parties are privy to a studies which show that it’s politically untenable for a politician in this country, to state their deep seated beliefs, or total lack of them, without suffering an electoral back-lash?

It seems perhaps there is a perception within a sector of the voter block, that an ‘atheist’ politician is by definition untrustworthy, not capable of compassion, can’t empathise, with Kiwi’s etc?

Christian politicians are not afraid in coming forward in with their convictions, and by and large scare off the middle ground, with their extremist views.

So, why not an openly Atheist politician, or heaven forbid an openly Atheist Prime Minister?

On current evidence, the answer to this proposition - is an emphatic ‘no way’.

The back-room political spin-doctors ‘pulling the strings’, have schooled their charges-up to keep their gob’s shut when ever a Kiwi journalist fires forth a question relating to personal beliefs.

If you are cornered Helen & John, give the media a wishy-washy answer and move quickly on.

So no matter what you hear coming out of either politicians mouth in the run-up to the election, the truth is both Helen Clark & John Key are both closet atheists, and come the evening of November 8th , one of them will be in charge of our country.

Heavenly.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Gratuitous Plug: Buy your Christmas Cards off Cantenn! (or God will hate you even more)


Over the last couple of years I’ve purchased the families Christmas Cards, off Canteen.

O.K, I know, an atheist purchasing Christmas Cards, seems oxymoronic in the extreme, and opens me up to all sorts of derision, but I’ll get over that (in a few years it won’t mean a thing to me).


You’ll see from the samples, I’ve posted here, Canteen’s range of secular cards are bright and cherry, and ooze New Zealand.

It's hard to go past this Buzzy Bee Card in my books.

Perfect Kiwiana to send to friends & family overseas, and assist a great cause.

I’m imploring all you hell-bound evil atheists to dial 0800 22 34 34 and place your order today!

You’ll feel better for it, and on Judgment Day who knows - you may get a few years off hell ‘for good behaviour’?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sign-up for ‘Mail-Order Immortality’ before it’s too late!!

When I first stumbled upon, ‘The New Zealand Conditional Immortality Association’, my initial thoughts were, that this has got to be a giant piss-take (but on further reflection, sidelined such titillating thoughts when I remembered Kiwi students are far too busy burning couches & paying-off loans these days, to come-up with humorous scams like this)

I mean, just the corny abbreviation C.I.A has to raise alarm bells.

Closer inspection turned my amusement into bemusement, when I established - these guys are serious!

In fact deadly serious (get the pun?)

What’s more fellow Kiwi’s, the doyens at ‘N.Z.C.I.A.’ have made the road to immortality, ridiculously simple.

Frankly, it’s a piece of piss.

1.) Tick a few statements on their web site called a ‘Statement of Faith’
2.) Fill in their membership form
3.) Stick a 50 cent stamp on to the envelope
4.) Send away to a Post Office Box in Takinini.

Tip 1: Make sure you include a return name & address.

Then, it’s a matter of waiting patiently & doubtlessly anxiously, for your membership card to arrive.

Tip 2: Get them to courier the card back. You wouldn’t want to die suddenly and be caught without it, would you?

Picture the excitement as the postman arrives with your ‘ticket to immortality’.

This beats that fictitious Willy Wonker and that his naff golden ticket, any day.

Now I’m thinking a few of you may have some nagging doubts as to the validity of any outfit that’s promising the equivalent of ‘mail-order eternal life’.

Let me put these suspicions to rest once and for all folks, by posting a photo of head honcho at The New Zealand Conditional Immortality Association.

This is David Burge.


Credit where, credit is due, David even publishes a magazine on behalf of the association.

‘From Death to Life’ is the title of the quarterly mag (come on, you must have heard of it?)

And this Association is far from a one man band.

As if further reassurance was necessary, David solicits regular journalistic input ‘selling the after life’, from luminaries, such as:


Beryl Joy Ching!

Seriously folks, look at the ‘old dear’.

I’m half expecting Beryl to knit soul coveralls.


Paul Cooney is the gentleman pictured above, a vital cog in the machinery of immortality.

Rather conveniently Paul also happens to run Resurrection Funeral Services Limited.

It’s fair to say you could not be in better hands once you depart this mortal coil. Rest in peace, knowing Paul will ensure your Immortality Membership Card is firmly clasped in right hand, well before the lid goes-on.

Boy oh boy, have the squad at N.Z.C.I.A got all the bases covered, or what?

Take a 2nd take at those photos, and you’ll soon realise what a switched-on bunch you’re dealing with here, and more prudently, why you should entrust your soul into their capable hands.

By any measure, eternity is a long time, and each contraction of your heart muscle means the time to send that form away to P.O Box 202162, Takinini - is now!

So what are you waiting for New Zealand??

Immortality is within reach, and without all that messy & expensive cryogenics.

Click here (and say Canterbury Atheists sent you, for a 25% Discount)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008