The day has come for the U.S to get its own language.

New Zealand, Australian, Irish, Scottish, and even to add insult to injury English, accents are so unintelligible to Americans that television programmes are being subtitled for the benefit of U.S audiences.

All in misspelt AmericaniSed English! 

What a sad indictment English is being ripped apart by the Discovery Channel and trashy American movies.  

Historically Americans have adopted the Queen’s English and then systematically set about destroying the world’s most popular language by bastardiSing ‘pigeoning’ it into the gutter.  

Even words like ‘centre’ and ‘metre’ adopted from French get fucked-over by Americans.  

Latin words like sulphur cheapened to sulfur.

All the other countries where English is spoken are happy with its phonetic construction – except for the US which thinks it now owns the language and arrogantly dismantling it word by word, gutter Hollywood movie by gutter Hollywood movie.    

Americans are now so far out on a linguistic limb they are unable to even grasp English’s nuances when it comes out of the mouths of another speaker.  

The historic divergence from the root means Americans can’t even understand anyone else with an accent they aren't use to!  

I certainly have no problem hearing what other English-speakers have to say, this is reciprocated in listeners when the words come out of my mouth, spaced vowels and all.  

Television series from the U.S do not have subtitles here in New Zealand.      

If the Queen’s English is increasing now a foreign language to Americans, requires drastic subtitling - why don’t they simply drop-it altogether and create their own language?  

 

That would do us all a favoUr.  

The U.S can then be stuck with backward Imperial Units and its own pigeon language which no one else cares about, similar to its myopic sporting pursuits.  

If spoken English the rest of the planet uses isn’t good enough for the U.S public to grasp then stop employing it.

 

Stop dismantling its roots and come up with your own bloody language!  

A hybrid lexicon of gangster, Hispanic, Texting and a sub-branch of bastardiSed English that is  ironically already being spoken on the streets of Crompton this very day.   

 

AMERICA: THE HOME OF THE BUNKER

 

 

Why the hell does anyone need a bunker? 

Who the hell builds a bunker in their backyards 

Let me answer both questions succinctly – paranoid survivalist looneys. 

Individuals who spend time and money going to the effort to build a bunker have mental health issues of varying degrees.  

Neighbours of these people should rightfully be scared. 

Bunker builders can ‘spin-out’ at any point. 

Bunker builders are weird fuckers.  

Bunker builders always come armed.  

The U.S is of course a bunker vortex.

Rural America has more bunkers per square mile than the beach at Normandy. 

Type-in ‘Build a bunker’ into google and unsurprisingly all the sites on the five pages I bothered to go through all originated from the U.S.      

There are companies that sell purpose built bunkers and will help you get the necessary council permits etc.  

Evidently people in Belgium, Australia, Taiwan etc don’t seem to share Americans enthusiasm for encasing themselves underground in concrete, metal coffins twiddling their thumbs awaiting the end of the earth as we know it.   

The people on the streets of New Zealand, Germany and Japan don’t appear to worry about government troops storming through their front doors, solar flares, nuclear holocausts etc and prefer to go to the pub.  

Non-Americans have the stunning ability to rationalise things, put them in context.      

Example 1 : It’s a nice day today. 

Should I (a.) go for a walk with the dog (b.) train my dog to attack with German command words?

Example 2: The political party I didn’t vote for got into power.  

Should I (a.) accept that’s democracy at work (b.) find other discontented voters, work together in cells to  find-out everything we can on our new leader to discredit him and then fixate about him sending tanks & troops into our town.   

 Example 3: The government wants to restrict military weapons to the military. 

Should I (a.) accept these weapons serve no recreational purpose and are lethal in the hands of the mentally ill (b.) think the sky has fallen in, the Russians had invaded and imposed their regime on us and bury the other ten rifles and ammo I have in the local forest least they steal them as well.  

One of the most amusing, slightly warped things I discovered about bunker building in America was each state had specific construction permits, rules etc. 

As a social experiment I rang my local Council here in Christchurch and asked where I could find information about building a nuclear shelter in my backyard. 

After being shoved from Department to Department and finally taken seriously I spoke to some bloke who said in a suspicious tone something along the lines “We don’t have anything specific for the purpose intended and we would need to see the plans”  

I’m fully expecting he noted my phone number down and alerted a Health Dept psych team to pay me a visit.      

Gotta go, there’s someone knocking on my door.   

 

 

 

 

     

Quick Arm Yourself! Obama’s Zombie Apocalypse is coming to a state near you!

Some nutcase loner, son of a mother who thought the world was going to end, kills 27 defenceless children, their caregivers, said mother & what is the flow-on of his senseless murder on the rest of a horrified society?

Did they stand-up unison and say “let’s get rid of killer guns once and for all”?

Mainstream politicians cross across the floor to unite saying “Let’s own up to the problem and solve it together”?

Hell No!

This is America.

In the U.S they rush down to their local gun-shop, nestled beside a coffeehouse and garden-shop, and purchase the exact same sort of guns Adam Lanza used to kill the innocents!

Yes, indeed ‘Only in America’ would sales of guns soar to record levels after a massacre like Sandy Hook.

But of course you can’t blame just the mass-murder in Connecticut for the planet’s most  paranoid human population becoming more paranoid than usual.

Some of the other reasons for Americans rearming themselves with human-killing guns have been put down to other causations.

After fear here’s another couple….

2.) The re-election of President Obama

3.) Zombies.

In number two spot it’s all about that evil socialist Obama who apparently doesn’t like his citizens pumping 11 bullets into the body and head of a seven year old girl & wants to limit their ownership. Kind-of like every other sane western country but WTF I’ve never been out of Tennessee. Jeeeze that wimp Obama cried on T.V so no wonder we as a family turned-over to watch the wrestling. Billy Joe Jr cleaned the AK-47 using KFC grease so as a treat we let him stay-up later and see the UFC.      

But moving on to reason # 3, I know you are itching for me to get to this.

Some Americans perceive a ‘real’ threat to their safety is the one posed by the walking dead, popularised on T.V and film, and this is the prime motivating factor in purchasing a gun.  

A marketing fact not lost on U.S ammo manufactures like Hornady who have their own special bullets called ‘Zombie Max’ (that's a real promo above) 

Z Max for short.

Z mispronounced zee, not zed as in the English translation.  

Ammo tested on rallies of Tea Party members i.e. brain dead humans were as close as Hornady could get without risking cries of animal cruelty.    

Seriously not even I could make up shit like this up and I’m one sick twisted prick with serious issues that can only be solved by listening to punk music and consuming large quantities of beer. 

The info on zombie-paranoia comes from no lesser (impeccable?) source than the FBI who do background checks on new gun owners.   

Purchasing a gun in preparation of the up-coming Zombie Apocalypse – I say fuck those Central Americans and their complicated calendar - is now amongst the top 10 listed reasons behind U.S ownership and climbing!   

  

Guns are Americans Mutant Gene

This is a guy in a Virginia bar have a few beers with his mates.

Yes, indeed that is a pistol of some kind poking out of his jeans.

Overseas people like me view picture this with a mixture of (a.) amusement  (b.) unease.

I certainly would not want to be in a room with a bunch of intoxicated guys carrying weapons designed to kill everyone in that space.

Yet, Americans view this as being part of their DNA, be it a mutant gene of some sort.

Like an out-of-control alcoholic the way to solve any issue is to go out and drown their sorrows.

In light of Sandy Hook we have some Americans now wanting teachers to be armed.

Why not go the whole hog and arm the kids?

Make it compulsory for everyone?

Tourists could be given lessons on how to kill (American for ‘self defence’) on arriving at LAX, JFK etc.

To elaborate on the analogy of the drunk, unless you can first accept you have a problem with alcohol you can’t solve the issue.

Americans can’t accept as a country they have a problem with guns, cling on to a piece of paper that was penned when Red Indians roamed the plains, bears the forest outside their door and when the local sheriff was a day horse-ride away.   

There is much to admire about America’s libertarian ethos, but the countries gun culture is frankly dangerous.

I am proud to live in a country where even the Police don’t carry guns in the normal course of their duties.

I enjoy going to my regular pub and having a beer without having to pack a gun.     

Does Christianity flourish in America because Americans are simply more ignorant than the average Westerner?

I know this heading will attract vitriol and I’m not posting this to be deliberately inflammatory.

So don’t take it personally.

I live in a small remote country called New Zealand. The standard of living, average incomes etc of the average Kiwi are way less than in The United States.

However what we lack economically when measured against the largest economy in the world we tend to make-up in education, ability to adapt and a high degree of worldliness.

By in large New Zealanders know what’s going-on around the world and try to assist as best we can.

N.Z cares say about disasters happening in remote places.

N.Zers can even place these remote places on a map.

I think we ‘box above our weight.’

Cutting to the chase - in all my considerable travels I have yet to meet a more insular people than your average American (the states I’ve visited include CA, WA, CO, OH, IL, MA, NY, NJ and TX) I can say this hand-on-heart.

In my experience most Americans could not place New Zealand on a map nor for that matter answer a basic general knowledge question like “name a famous Englishman?”

I would more likely have more luck getting an answer to that question from a person from China or Brazil than I would a so-called educated American.

Americans only care about America and their own little myopic world.

The result from the Eastern Conference game would mean more to the average ‘Joe-Bloggs’ than the current humanitarian disaster in Pakistan.

This “don’t ask questions” and “never get outside the square” environment is the breeding ground and bedrock of all religions.

Religions flourish in countries where ignorance is endemic, the peoples never get to meet anyone else and see other perspectives on life.

This explains why America is still so into God, when in other comparable countries the populations are leaving churches in droves.

I rest my case with these two 'classic' videos - which never fail to amuse me: