The Kiwi P.E Teacher come Pastor, his 17 year old hottie and what went on in his car.

We can’t name Mr X because the N.Z Teachers Council’s Disciplinary Tribunal doesn’t want us to know his identity.

Let’s call him Ron as in Ron Jeremy, much nicer than X.

What do we know about Ron from the Teachers Councils files?

He’s a PE teacher at a snooty North Island school that just happens to be faith based.

He’s also a pastor.

At the time of his indiscretion his wife had just given birth.  

Late one night he finds himself alone in a car with a ‘troubled’ 17 year old female student, part of a mentoring programme.

May-be the extracurricular course was Practical Sex Education?  

Anyway some adult type groping goes-on on the front seats before both parties felt guilty because their hormones trumped the word of their God.

Digits only. 

So it was a mutual attraction, we’ve all been there only personally I wouldn't be happy with just digits. 

Both confessed their sins.

In the wash-up, inclusive of the sheepskin car seat covers, Ron wasn’t actually de-registered by The Teachers Council.

Instead he’s chosen to take time off.    

To reflect one presumes. 

Footnote: These salacious articles always get far more views from punters. Nothing like scuttle-butt to bring em' in.    

Here are some of the Islamic Countries that legislate to allow Child Sex.

Imagine, as sickening as the proposition is, betrothing your own two year-old daughter to a forty year-old?

Then at 9 years-old you allow your daughter to ‘shack-up’ with her fiancé.

At 11 she is formally married and then consummation takes place.

She gives birth at 12 years-old.

As abhorrent as this scenario sounds, what has been outlined is the ‘norm’, and it is permissible under Islamic law in the following countries - that’s to say young-girls getting married and having sexual relations with their husbands, who are often decades older:

- Afghanistan
- Bahrain
- Iran
- Kuwait
- Nigeria
- Oman
- Pakistan
- Saudi Arabia
- United Arab Emirates
- Yemen

Girls are seen as objects in these countries, chattels for their fathers to dispose-of like cattle.

Kiwi’s would rather worry about whales and native-bush, conveniently turn a blind-eye to the oil-producers, rather than standing-up for what should be basic civilised human-rights for the female population in The Middle East and Africa.

New Zealanders and their allies are spilling-blood in Afghanistan for a turpitude, corrupt regime that has enshrined in it’s statute-books a carte-blanche for men to fuck girls – using the excuse “they are married in the eyes of our God and his book”

We are happy to sell meat to feed the faces of what in its lowest denominator are child-rapists.

Tut, tut silly old-me mentioning civilization and Islam in the same paragraph.

Footnote(s):

- All these very same countries ban homosexuality and imprison and torture anyone caught engaging-in male/male sex.
- Not to be outdone, the age of consent in that bastion of propriety, The Vatican City, is set at just 12 years-old.
- At 54 y.o, Islam’s prophet married one of his wives when she was a mere 6 year-old and began sexual relations with her just three years later. Thus the religious enshrinement that has lead to its practice in 2010.
- Some of these countries do set a minimum age for marriage – most frequently its nine years-old and nothing less than thirteen.
- In Nigeria a senator & state governor in their Government paid a dowry for a 12 year-old Egyptian girl who he whisked back-home and married a year later.

Lay-Preacher – now there’s an appropriate name if there ever was one

The disturbing and bizarre sex-life of a New Zealand lay-preacher, was exposed to public scrutiny in District Court dispositions last week.

The lay preacher, who also ironically moon-lighted as a marriage guidance counselor, is facing claims he sexually abused and stalked two of his ex-wives and a stepson.

The man, whose name, job and church role is suppressed for now, is now facing trial early next year on seven counts of sexual violation, six counts of indecent assault and 11 other charges relating to his former wives. There are also two indecency charges relating to his stepson.

The preacher claims all three aggrieved parties conspired together as part of a vendetta.

However The District Court said there was enough evidence for him to face trial.

His first wife told the court they began having marital problems due to his sexual demands and sort help with Church elders. At one of these meetings church elders basically rubber-stamped his desire for ‘sex on demand’ by telling her there was religious justification that "my body belonged to my husband".

In what must be one of the corniest demands for sex every presented to a court the first wife alleged her ex-husband propositions involved putting his hands on her and saying "Be healed in Jesus name." If sex did not result, he was alleged to have repeated the action until it did.

After separating, she claimed he apologised for the sexual assaults, saying his problem & justification stemmed from a sexual relationship with his mother as a teenager.

The second wife alleged that among the assaults she was raped in a spa pool in front of another family member.

Her son also claimed to be abused by the ‘man of God.’

Wife ‘two’ said she too went through the sham church-led marriage counselling, claiming she was told that if she refused her husband sex then he was free to perform a sex act with her against her will.

You can be sure there will be more sordid details to come-out next year when the full trial is set to start, along with the name of the dysfunctional church involved.

Gay Exorcisms

Sometimes words fail me, and you secretly hope you are watching some sort of elaborate hoax.

But then reality dawns on you, and you are confronted with the brutal, unpalatable facts.

There really are backward individuals that believe that homosexuality is the result of demonic possession.

It’s not just the share absurdity of the concept of supernatural-beings like demons that is of concern, it’s the fact individuals are permitted to practice psychological torment with impunity, under the guise of religion.

Arrogant and bigoted Christians see it as their ordained duty, to ‘cleanse’ people of the evil they are taught, is homosexuality.

I want you to think about this.

What are the chances anyone can ‘re-orientate’ (for want of a better term) another individual who is a homosexual into a heterosexual?

I’ll tell ya, what chance there are of this happening.

It’s exactly the same as a heterosexual person becoming homosexual.

Any heterosexuals reading this, want to give me the chances of someone turning-you into a homosexual?

When Aliens Go Topless

"She came from Planet Claire" "I knew she came from there"

"She drove a Plymouth Satellite" "Faster than the speed of light"

Nanu, Nanu Earthlings.

Traditionally religions are out to repress sex in one form or another.

If it’s not homosexuality, sex outside marriage, masturbation, it’s institutionalised sexism and even calls to ban contraception.

But there, located amongst in the dessert section of the smorgasbord of superstition, comes one belief system that embraces the marketing value of sex.

This ‘Johnny come lately’ religion (in the loosest sense of the term) is also on a mission of liberation.

It wants all those females around the planet, well at least those that are so inclined, to start getting their titties-out, specifically on the 23rd August.

We are talking about The Raelian’s here, and that skinny dude with the 70's Disco medallion (above) is their leader.

Claude Vorilhon is his real name, but he now likes to call himself Raël. Amongst all sorts of weird & wonderful things, Claude claims his biological father was an alien, which looking at the size of his biceps means we have little to worry about from any extra terrestrial attack.

But before we continue with ‘the good stuff’, that’s to say women going topless en mass, let’s do a quick bio on The Raelians.

Back in 1973, Vorilhon was walking amongst France's volcanic mountain ranges when a spaceship appeared. A four-foot-tall extraterrestrial in a green, one-piece suit with almond-shaped eyes, long, black hair (being an advanced species the Aliens had found a cure for baldness but looking at Vorilhon’s photo, failed it seems to pass the secret formula onto their earthly emissary) ,a black beard and slightly greenish skin exited the spacecraft and taught Vorilhon that mankind was created in a test tube by a race of space creatures, referred to in the Old Testament as "The Elohim."

The diminutive aliens informed Vorilhon, that he was the last of the 40 prophets chosen to spread "the message." The space traveller instructed the Frenchman to change his name to Raël and start a religious movement.

Not content with building a spacecraft which can travel in excess of the speed of light, also included in the Aliens “message” (fine print anyone?) was the something about Raelian followers giving 10% of their income to Claude.

Now if you carbon life forms are getting lost with this story already, just remember it was The Elohim created all of the religions and mankind was created in test tubes, then take three deep breaths and take heed of the effects continual use of recreational drugs can have on ones sense of rationality. Star Trek Conventions have a lot to answer for.

And in case ‘The Raliens’ sounds strangely familiar to you – yes it’s them that are behind ‘UFO Land’ (it’s located in Quebec, Vorihons new home) and those ludicrous claims about human cloning back in 2003.

Do an internet search on ‘cloniad’ if the thought of having a ‘mini me’ is of interest & if by the way you are picking a name for your clone, make sure you do a better job than The Raelians did with ‘Eve’ – I ask you.

Manmade immortality via cloning is The Raelians ‘big sell’, topless rights for women ‘the soft sell’ (I prefer them perky personally)

One look at his Nubian entourage (Korean devotees below) and this is one religion that gets my attention.

“As long as men can go topless, women should have equal right” states Rael who has gone one step further and done mankind a massive favour by founding www.gotopless.org.

Who are we to argue?

Death-ray any dissenters Rael – that’s my call.

I’ve marked the 23rd of August on my calendar and so should you.

"Please don't, I'm saving myself for my priest"

A new movement toward abstinence that has been sweeping across America and England for the past 10 years, has hit New Zealand. Christian teachings and morals campaigners have always promoted abstaining from sex before marriage, but now there are church organisations working hard to persuade teenagers to abstain, and remain chaste. The idea here is, you wear your religious convictions in the form of a tacky ring.

The ring states to any prospective suitor: look but do not touch.

Those who wear and promote the rings argue that abstinence is the only way to practice truly safe sex, and using this sort of logic would no doubt like to see the closure of drinking establishments to prevent alcoholism. The rings come in men's & women's styles, plus a declaration to remain pure until marriage (civil unions just wouldn't do)

But why stop at just a ring?

Why not go 'the whole hog' and re-introduce the full chastity belt and be done with?

Imagine 'daddies little angel' goes on a date with the open-side flanker from the first fifteen.

What use is a flaming ring going to be, after she consumes six alco-pops, and this testosterone charged teen starts groping round in the back seat? Her purity is going to be a hell of a lot safer in a kevlar re-make of a 15th century chastity belt ,rather than an innocuous religious inscription, microscopically written on to a crappy $25 ring, a chastity belt would have plenty of space to state in luminous letters "my dad holds a firearms licence and has ridden for the Highway 61".

You also have to ask – will they find any candidates in New Zealand at all for the male version of the ring? Is the small pool of potential male wearers merely just crying-out for hormone treatment?

As chance would have it, my wife is a very proficient fashion designer and is working diligently towards a modern-day version of the traditional chastity belt (for marketing purposes we'll be renaming it a 'Purity Only Belt' or P.O for short).

She has kindly offered to model the prototype pictured below.

It comes with optional 'statements' embossed largely upon the front.

You have a choice of:

- Twins run in my family
- Will you be a dad to my two other children?
- Stop confusing HIV Positive with full blown Aids
- Do you mind if I inject before we start?
- I have incontinence problems, it helps if I wear nappies
- Don't worry my family broke me in
- I can explain the red sores and pus

Orders are being taken online here and it's extra if you want your own personalised 'statement'. We sold out of rings ages ago, so don't ask.

Celibate? You can't give it away!

Attention males, given a choice between (a.) receiving a million bucks for being chemically castrated (b.) continuing a have a sex life. What would you favour?

Ask this question to any guy wandering this planet, and apart from those living in abject poverty and those aged 90 plus - the almost universal answer would be B.

Biologically men are designed to breed, slaves to millions of years of evolution.

Nothing can stop this genetic driving force & the irrepressible power of sex within males.

But some try, and 'they' it seems, are fighting a losing battle.

One of these is the 300 year old Catholic order: De La Salle.

It appears (Christchurch Press 21/05/08) the New Zealand branch of De La Salle brotherhood is battling dwindling numbers.

One of the major tenants of The De La Selle brothers is lifelong vow of celibacy.

De La Salle spokesman Brother Mark McKeon is quoted as stating the obvious, which is “While a life in the church might not be for everyone, it offered a satisfying alternative for some Catholic men”.

By ‘some’ I gather he’s referring to the rare male who would choose chemical castration given the above options(?).

And in terms of satisfaction – they don’t come any better than ‘a great shag’, a fact lost on Brother McKeon but not on the twenty year olds they wish to entice into a life without sex.

Fighting a rear guard action and the very foundations of human sexuality the brotherhood have launched a website that claims to provide ‘intimate details of their previously private world’.

This isn’t obviously intimacy the rest of society enjoys and for this very reason, and unless the brotherhood can come up with a latter-day Moses, the tides are coming in and the De La Selles sand-castle is about to vanish into the secular sea.

To see if you are suited to a ‘life of faith’ why not complete the De La Salles ‘Test’ [click and see how you go]

My test results were:

You’re a positive and happy person to be around. Popular with your friends, you’re not afraid to accept the challenge to be a leader when necessary. You’re hungry for new experiences and excited about the future. You’re committed to making a difference to those less fortunate. You’re seeking a bigger life full of purpose and meaning - a life less ordinary. Being a Brother isn’t for everyone. Could it be for you?

I was about to post my Application, but I discovered in the ‘small print’ on the site, you’re not allowed to have kids. Bugger, and I’d just taken my first course of female hormones.

What Chest! What Thighs! What a load of Crock!

Pondering.......

1.)What the hell is a ‘musk’ cushion? Can I get one online at Peaches & Cream?
2.)What Hair! What Chest! What Thighs! What Legs! But what’s in it for the arse men fella?
3.)So much softness. Oxymoronic given the subject matter.
4.)Wine is Allah’s heavenly reward for tea-tottlers. Another plus for drinking beer in my books.
5.)This dude is wearing a pink shawl. You're not thinking what I am?
6.)Just ten black eyed virgins? Look I’m not converting or strapping dynamite to my body, unless there’s at least two dozen, and they’re of Scandinavian extraction.
7.)I doubt it was the face, he last applied Nivea or Vaseline.

Beating The Bishop

wanking, cuff, spanking the monkey, playing the clitar, five knuckle shuffle, jacking-off, jerkin’ the gherkin, flicking the bean, beating the bishop, chocking the chicken….

Repressing human sexuality has always been a part of mainstream religious teachings.

Controlling these normal sexual urges is always high on Church agendas.

Good folk should show restraint and purity.

Many religious folk will state that sex is good & pure and created by god for both procreation and pleasure. Intimacy however can only be enjoyed by a husband and wife (Tui Billboard anyone?) and confined to intercourse.

Other ‘pleasures of the flesh’ like masturbation are considered forms of abuse and a perversion.

Behavioral needs have to be mastered or else sin will be the master of you.

Sins like the self-centered act of masturbation must be controlled and the Christian Churches are here to ensure one passage from their holy book can turn back millions of years of evolutionary biology.

"And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother’s wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother."

All of this is itself - a load of wank!

Masturbation is normal, it feels great, releases tension etc etc.

We all do it. I’ll say it again. Medical conditions aside - all adults masturbate.

The Pope masturbates (infrequently now he’s in his eighties) The Queen masturbates (or do they have a Royal consort who performs that task for them?) Ayatollahs masturbate (they know what’s under those burqas) Helen Clark masturbates (don’t get into any mental imagery on this one)

And the only people who feel guilty about having a ‘jolly good wank’ are religious types who have been cajoled & brainwashed into believing something normal, like masturbation, is in-fact dirty and a sin, thus reducing their chances of an after-life.

It still won’t stop them regularly ‘spilling their seed’ though, will it?