Quack Water Salespeople roll into Canterbury

"Homeopathic medicines may greatly help children, animals and adults feeling frightened and unable to sleep from the Christchurch earthquake" says co-presidents Jem Maber and Susanna Shelton from the New Zealand Council of Homeopaths.

This advice is laughable and can be quickly and conclusively dispelled.

Every parent who's up-with the-play already knows the best-cure at night at times like this is for girls to cuddle a voodoo-doll in bed and boys to play with a shrunken head under the blankets. Important: for this to work make sure it is done in conjunction with bio-magnetic bedding.

A personal ‘pagan’ favourite of mine in angsty situations is to strip naked and bay at the moon as part of its harvest cycle.

Sometimes I find myself getting naked in the back-yard without the moon even being in Virgo.

What self-respecting householder could look past that ‘old wives recipe’ of doping your cup of tea with a liberal dose of whisky? At least there is some efficacy for this treatment. But a word of warning before you start pouring Johnny Walker into the Lipton's – be sure to have your palms read first, just in case there is ‘danger in the future.’ Having your horoscope produced will be equally effective and put you and the families minds-at-rest.

Another ancient tried and true stress treatment, available at any decent herbalist, is a mixture of St Johns Wort, peppermint, willow bark and chamomile. Boil it-up and then make it into a tea in which you pour five nips of whisky. It’s also great for your prostrate as well, warding-off the flu and the later stages of AIDS.

Having your crystal necklace re-calibrated can also work wonders as a stress reliever. What's more crystals also look cool and go well with tribal tattoos. It'll be sure to be a conversation starter at the next Green Party meeting.

I really wish the media would start reporting this important scientific stuff so the public is better informed.