Sunday, February 15, 2009

Buy the Brian ‘Head’ Welch Collectible Toy


This is Brian "Head" Welch, former lead guitarist for KoRn (only the R is appears backwards, which is hard to replicate on a conventional typewriter, and my Satanic one is on back-order)

Brain, has dumped his hedonistic ‘sex, drugs & rock n’ roll’ lifestyle, and found Jesus – a fact trumpeted by his new Christian marketers.

With his tattooed body, and ‘bad boy-gone good’ image, he’s now the new ‘born-again poster boy’ around the globe.

The local ‘Mana’ Christian store here in Christchurch, have his very poster in their front window, along with a prominent spot for his first ‘tell all’ book of redemption.

New Zealand is way behind the times, because his second best seller went on sale six months ago, and Harper Collins buoyed by sales, have paid for a third.

In the interviews I’ve read, Brain (who incidentally I meet, when I was did the bands N.Z tour equipment, about 10 years ago) gives a number of reasons for quitting KoRn, a band he helped, form in 1993.

“It was a little too crude for me."

"More to life, than chasing the almighty buck,"

“"I have a 6-year-old daughter, and I want her to be able to look me in the eye. I'm a single dad, that's what it comes down to,"

Now this is where it get’s confusing for me, and no doubt KoRn fans, as we all attempt to ‘joint the dots’ between Welch’s publicised motives for departing KoRn, versus his new public persona.

Since departing the band Welch has written two books and undertaken a promotional tour around the U.S Christian community & banked millions in royalties. He’s then embarked on a solo career using the name ‘Head’ (I thought perhaps, he was reminiscing about the good old days, with a groupie or two, but apparently his new moniker is short for Head To Christ) and with a blurb that reads “Man, when I get up there onstage, it's going to be me just letting things flow. I have no idea what I'm going to say, it's just going to come out." "I mean, I'm going to be like a kid up there. Because that's really what I am now. I'm a baby Christian."

I can’t see any ‘Parental Advisory, Explicit Content’ sticker accompanying any future recordings of ‘Head’, nor do I think his new brand of music, will appeal much to his former fans, nor for that matter, his old band-mates in KoRn (who still don’t talk to him, and continue on unhindered)

The You-Tube song below entitled ‘Ever Be’ is their frank, vitriolic ‘tribute’ to their old pal, and former guitarist.

Not helping his cause with resolving the rift with his old band-mates, was his widely publicised statement, made at his televised baptism in the Jordan River (yes ‘the’ Jordan) "I don't want to pollute the world anymore. I want to spread a message of love and understanding, and that's what I'm going to do."

For all intents and purposes Welch appears to have simply changed his direction- not his spots.

Some-where along the line Welch has quit drugs, and then began making claims to communicate with God.

And new voice(s) in Welch’s head told him to relocate to Phoenix (only God can explain that one, along with a troop of top psychologists)

In another recent twist ,he wants the world to now know “It was God that told me to leave the band” , thus abdicating himself from the decision-making process.

Strange, at one stage he told us, it was him that wanted to spend more time with his daughter, it was him that was trying to be a better parent, it was him that decided to stay away from drugs etc – but now it’s down to instructions from invisible entities, making one think, those years of meth-use may have caused some permanent damage up in his ‘head’ department.

And if Gods word to “quit the band” was that strong, why not at least talk to your fellow band mates and tell them why you were leaving ‘face to face’ – instead of that quick spineless, impersonal email?

God was similarly also looking over the born-again Welchs shoulder, when he penned a rambling, unintelligible letter to 50 Cent, remonstrating with him “ You're a huge force for the devil right now." “He's going to put demons around you that tell you I'm crazy”.

Message from Mars to Brian Walsh: It's not only The Demons, that think you are crazy.

So not a lot appears to have changed in Welchs lifestyle, excepting his claimed lack of substance abuse and his social circle, plus now, the lead from his guitar plugs directly into Gods speaker, and this new lead-singer gives him special lyrics, which only he can hear.

Rather than the record company pulling the strings, it’s his publicists and the Christian merchandisers, who cover his every step.

There is however a new tattoo to sport, it’s on about the only piece of skin left previously unoccupied, his neck.

Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

I wonder what else his marketing department will have in store, for us – a collectible doll, may be?

You’ll be able to accessorise it, with a cross, bible and an array of stick-on Christian tattoos, for a few dollars more.

When you press-it, it'll speak in tongues.



2 comments:

The Vicar said...

Does he plan to sell bobble-"head" dolls? *snicker*

(Okay, bad pun, made worse by quotation marks. Sorry.)

(By the way: a Cyrillic capital "Ya" can substitute for a backwards "R": Я. It's unicode 0x042f, which is character entity 1071; you should be able to insert it as Я if you can edit HTML directly.)

Lassska said...

Hihi. There are farther countries - at us, in Ukraine and in Russia there are no posters with the book. And we read the book on the Internet free of charge, thousand fans. The poor "Christian merchandisers"! (A word "KoЯn" to write really easily)
ЯЯЯЯЯ