Thursday, October 9, 2008

How to become a Bishop in 24 Hours!

Pictured above is what I can best term as a ‘Do it yourself Reverend Certificate’ available online from a Californian based company, ideally named Ordain Corporation.

Ordain Corps web-site indicates they even have their own Church, or at least a quaint picture of one.

It’s all legal and above board, they say so on every page, and if you can’t believe a Church, even one called World Christianship Ministries, who can you trust?

Bear in mind, all this kind of stuff helps build credibility, an important factor when you are in this sort of business.

Ordain Corp, don’t just limit their range to a ‘garden variety’ Reverend either – hell no!

For the same price, all within 24 hours (U.S Residents only), you can become a certified: Pastor, Evangelist, Chaplin, Apostle, Prophet, Missionary, Elder, Deacon, Preacher, Parson.

However let’s not limit ourselves to a lowly title like a crumby-old, dime-a-dozen 'Missionary'.

I ask you, who is going to be impressed with a certificate hanging from your wall stating John A. Smith - Missionary?

Who gives large donations to a Preacher?

What self-respecting housewife can say with pride “My husband is an ordained Apostle”?

Instead, what say you shoot for 'Archdeacon John A. Smith'?

Impress the neighbours by announcing you are now Bishop John A. Smith.

Gain instant trust with adults & groom their children under the mantle Cardinal John A. Smith.

Yes, what I’m indicating is for one flat price and overnight service you can climb the religious totem-pole right to the very top!!

But what good is a lonely old Certificate if you are about to start your own Church and march around town as a newly ordained Right Reverend?

The good folk at Ordain Corp have all the bases covered here.

They have, what you could say is ‘the full package’.

When you become a certified ‘Arch-Bishop of The World Christianship Ministries’ you will also be couriered:

•Pocket Laminated Ordination Card
•Marriage Certificates (5 pack)
•Baptism Certificates (5 pack)
•Preparing Your First Sermon
•Marriage Laws in Your State
•Ceremonies for Marriage
•Ceremonies for Baptism
•Ceremonies for Funerals
•Ways Your Church or Ministry Can Raise Money [most important this one]
•Clergy Dashboard Sign

By this weekend you can be marrying off your kids! (so what they are only 10 and 12 years old, this is your Church now, run it like you want, all other Churches do the same)

Yes, you too can throw water on babies heads, damning them with a Hollywood stars name for the rest of their living-days (I’m guessing a font will be extra in the fore-mentioned package and if the real granite is too expensive try plastic, no one will tell the difference anyway)

Now those of you outside the United States reading this, are probably chortling away at this ‘instant minister’ stuff and placing it in the category of ‘Only in America’.

Fret not, for a small additional cost to cover freight they’ll ordain anyone on the planet!

So don’t delay, their helpful telesales team is waiting & available 24/7.

Note: Doctor of Divinity is extra & look as hard as I could, I never did find-one for a Pope.

No comments: