Saturday, January 24, 2009

Meet The Man who talks to Gold-Fish

This is American, Bill Northern who spend half the year in his home state of Virginia and the other half in Rakiai (50 kms south of Christchurch)

He claims he can talk to animals.

His specialty is horses, but apparently he can talk to a whole menagerie.

Giraffe’s are within his scope, as are gold-fish.

Armed only with his divining rod, pendulum and his trusty band of angels, using skills entrusted by Indians, ol’ Bill provides owners with a service that is part veterinary and part psychology.

That’s red Indians by the way, so don’t go asking the guys at the local takeaway to take a look at your moggy.

The whole ‘check-over’ procedure takes 17-18 minutes.

Bill and his angels are clearly very precise.

Not 16 minutes of even 19 – it’s 17 to 18.

He also accepts checks (sic), Visa or MasterCard.

20 Minutes come at USD 90.00 (deposit required)

Hold on weren’t we told it would take 17-18 minutes?

Bill’s site tells us more about his bread-winner, horses of the racing kind, and the period he was an owner.

“Over the following decades he became drawn into the world of horse-racing, working as a judge at racetracks making sure trainers and drivers were sticking to the rules. He has also owned between 30 and 35 trotters in his time, although he says he only ever owned one he would describe as successful”.

Now given that Bill claims to be able to speak to horses (via angels)would you not think the following question would have been amongst the first uttering’s to depart his lips directed at his own thoroughbreds?

Namely “put the word around for a hot tip in the next race”.

Or asking around the yearlings in the paddock “who’s the fastest around the yard out of you guys?”.

Why is it a guy that can ‘talk to horses’ not able to forge a living training 30 to 35 of the animals himself?

What punter wouldn’t love to have a natter to the nags as they parade around the bird-cage, allowing them throw a bundle on its nose, knowing your horse was hot to trot and the favourite was suffering from a belly-ache caused by too many oats the night before.

Even Bill himself doesn’t know how his ‘amazing powers’ work (Ashburton Guardian 23/01/06), but he glibly explains this way say “I don’t know how a computer works as well”. The thing is with that trite explanation is - there are people that do know how a computer works. Bill just don’t happen to be one of them. As yet we have yet to have any facts relating to the existence of angels, except hearsay, which comes at USD 90 for 20 minutes. (according to Bill’s advertising blurb that’s cheaper than a doctor, leading me to suggest he needs to get a new rural GP)

So intriguingly what do these animals tell Ol’ Bill?

Cat’s it appears tell lies and can’t be trusted, so he avoids them (unless offered an inducement)

Dogs are sensitive.

Purportedly one of his doggy clients began misbehaving after her owners got rid of her favourite toy. Severe neurosis in my books, a few more walks would do the trick.

Bill said a typical conversation with a horse would be: "The hay is delicious today but my owner was horrible to me last week so I'm going to stomp on his toe when I get a chance." Or, "my saddle blanket is really itchy”.

Not in-depth discussions of Stephen Hawkins re-write of ‘A History of Time’ I’m sorry to say – just mundane feed stuff & sore backs etc.

Indeed the first profound words Bill heard coming from a horse were “"I didn't get my apple today".

Miraculously all animals talk in English, which is kind of handy since that’s the only language Bill has a grasp of.

Interestingly Bill says fish just talk about food and nothing else, when water would seem to be a subject to be closer to their hearts and gills.

Soothingly when these animals are getting their worries of the world off their chests, Bill listens – closing his eyes apparently intensifies the procedure, and his trusty pendulum helps with “yes” of “no” answers. How he sees the pendulum move with closed eyes was not revealed. Perhaps, his personal band of roving angels, acts as assistants again here and whisper in his ear?

Horse-whisper, naturally.


Anonymous said...

Where does one get in contact with Bill Northern??

Canterbury Atheists said...

Telepathy would be one way I guess.

Failing that, a link to his web-site is in the post