Wednesday, May 28, 2008

"Please don't, I'm saving myself for my priest"


A new movement toward abstinence that has been sweeping across America and England for the past 10 years, has hit New Zealand. Christian teachings and morals campaigners have always promoted abstaining from sex before marriage, but now there are church organisations working hard to persuade teenagers to abstain, and remain chaste. The idea here is, you wear your religious convictions in the form of a tacky ring.

The ring states to any prospective suitor: look but do not touch.

Those who wear and promote the rings argue that abstinence is the only way to practice truly safe sex, and using this sort of logic would no doubt like to see the closure of drinking establishments to prevent alcoholism. The rings come in men's & women's styles, plus a declaration to remain pure until marriage (civil unions just wouldn't do)
But why stop at just a ring?

Why not go 'the whole hog' and re-introduce the full chastity belt and be done with?

Imagine 'daddies little angel' goes on a date with the open-side flanker from the first fifteen.


What use is a flaming ring going to be, after she consumes six alco-pops, and this testosterone charged teen starts groping round in the back seat? Her purity is going to be a hell of a lot safer in a kevlar re-make of a 15th century chastity belt ,rather than an innocuous religious inscription, microscopically written on to a crappy $25 ring, a chastity belt would have plenty of space to state in luminous letters "my dad holds a firearms licence and has ridden for the Highway 61".

You also have to ask – will they find any candidates in New Zealand at all for the male version of the ring? Is the small pool of potential male wearers merely just crying-out for hormone treatment?

As chance would have it, my wife is a very proficient fashion designer and is working diligently towards a modern-day version of the traditional chastity belt (for marketing purposes we'll be renaming it a 'Purity Only Belt' or P.O for short).

She has kindly offered to model the prototype pictured below.


It comes with optional 'statements' embossed largely upon the front.

You have a choice of:

- Twins run in my family
- Will you be a dad to my two other children?
- Stop confusing HIV Positive with full blown Aids
- Do you mind if I inject before we start?
- I have incontinence problems, it helps if I wear nappies
- Don't worry my family broke me in
- I can explain the red sores and pus

Orders are being taken online here and it's extra if you want your own personalised 'statement'. We sold out of rings ages ago, so don't ask.

1 comment:

the chaplain said...

Wickedly funny. :) The PO Belt is downright scary!