Thursday, November 27, 2008
KidzStuff Theatre for Children has been staging productions – such as The Princess and the Pea, The Pied Piper of Hamelin, Three Little Pigs, Puss n’ Boots and Sleeping Beauty – in the Red Brick Hall, part of the Cambridge Terrace Congregational Church, for about nine years and is closely associated with the venue.
But this arrangement is no longer, because those nasty witches and trios of swine, were not in tune with the brand of Christianity practiced by the new Pastor.
“The place is not a community place, it is a church and in my view should be used for Christian activities,"
“I see it as a church hall for the glory of God”
So this years school-holiday production of ‘Which Witch is Which’ was performed somewhere else.
One only has to take a look at the reprobates & degenerates associated with KidzStuff Theatre to see why the good pastor doesn’t want them polluting young minds.
Children have hated these fanciful 'fairy' stories for centuries.
But this story doesn’t end there, after booting Kidzstuff out, the duplicitous Pastor Hakeagaiki ran his own ‘approved’ school-holiday production from the Red Brick Hall.
Numbers were apparently rather ‘thin on the ground’ for this consecrated production.
Wellington kids apparently much prefer their fairy stories with princes, castles and a liberal dose of anthropomorphism, over ones with arc’s, loaves & fish and living-dead.
Monday, November 24, 2008
His ‘love him or hate him’ style lead to a recent split in his Greymouth congregation.
That congregation held a vote as to whether Pastor Wise was ‘a keeper’ or whether he should return across the main divide from whence he came, after a short six month stay.
The majority of the eligible voters within the Greymouth Baptist Church voted for him to pack his bags & the miffed minority went off to the new rival church he’s stated around the corner.
So what bought about this schism, in this small West Coast church?
A bit of a giveaway was when the official line from Baptist H.Q which said (in short) - this has nothing to do with Michaels stand on homosexuality.
The gossip on the West Coast though, is to the contrary.
The word is Pastor Wise was fervently anti-homosexual and his Sunday soliloquies attempted to ‘rally the troops’ to join his evangelical inspired obsession.
The fair-minded ‘coasters’ occupying his church’s pews rejected his preoccupation with persecuting homosexuals, and decided to get rid of him.
Expect more to come out on this story over the next few weeks as parishioners, from both sides of the divide come forward and ‘spill their guts’.
Ahh yes, Christian Soap Opera – beats Coronation Street, every time!
Friday, November 21, 2008
Now, before you start I want you to forget any ethical or medical considerations, whilst pondering ‘what will happen to a soul after a brain operation?
So, here we go……..
Fred is brain dead and kept alive by medical science, but for all intents & purposes nothing is registering ‘up-stairs’ and doctors have no medical avenues for a cure.
As a quadriplegic Jack, has lost use of his limbs and has a low quality of life.
A pioneering brain surgeon suggests to both parties, care givers etc ‘a brain transfer’.
Jack would make use of Fred’s redundant, but functional body.
Fred’s inoperative brain, would find a new home in Jacks paralysed form.
For the purposes of this exercise, the parties agree to proceed with this radical operation.
The question I’m asking is “what will happen to Jack & Fred’s souls?”
It won’t too long until operations of this kind will soon be reality, & this question will move being merely a theoretical one.
Leave your theory in the comments section.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Real Name: Teresa de Cepeda y Ahumada
Country of Birth: Spain
Claim to fame: Mystical cloistered Discalced Carmelite reformer and nun. Foundress of St. Joseph's convent in Avila, the first reformed Carmelite convent.
Quote: "This prayer is a glorious foolishness, a heavenly madness where the true wisdom is learned; and it is for the soul a most delightful way of enjoying"
History: Born into a family of 10 kids, when her mother died her father shipped her off to be looked after by Augustinian nuns at age 13. She decided, against her fathers wishes to become a nun, but life must have been fairly rudimentary in the nunnery game, and she soon fell seriously ill. Worried at the lack of treatment his daughter was getting at the hands of the Church, her father decided to take Teresa to a ‘health spa’ to recover. But rather than getting better her health deteriorated to the point she lapsed into a coma and when she regained consciousness found she had temporary paralysis of her legs.
At the age of 39, her biological clock ticking away, Teresa began to have visions of Christ and vivid experiences of ''mystical marriage'' with Him and of His presence within her. The last film in the U.K to be banned for blasphemy ''Visions of Ecstasy,''(1989) depicted the supposed ''erotic imaginings'' of St. Theresa of Avila during these visions. Her life was hence-forth littered with visions & raptures described by one writer in this way: "Her record of raptures and visions answers to nothing, in the experience of most modern Christians".
She claimed to have the gift of ‘extraordinary favours’(which she was able to bestow on others, whilst still suffering ill-health herself? ) and ‘dominion over demons’. During her ‘visions’ she became a regular visitor to hell (yes, ‘the’ hell), the description of one such ‘trip’ is outlined in her autobiography....
In her most famous vision, the subject of the statue by Bernini (main photo above): "I would see beside me, on my left hand, an angel in bodily form ... He was not tall, but short, and very beautiful, his face so aflame that he appeared to be one of the highest types of angel who seem to be all afire ... In his hands I saw a long golden spear and at the end of the iron tip I seemed to see a point of fire. With this he seemed to pierce my heart several times so that it penetrated to my entrails. When he drew it out, I thought he was drawing them out with it and he left me completely afire with a great love for God. The pain was so sharp that it made me utter several moans; and so excessive was the sweetness caused me by the intense pain that one can never wish to lose it, nor will one's soul be content with anything less than God.".
He describes her as a ‘severe hysterical psychotic’, one which seems fair given the nature of her visions & founded also in her claims she was able to physically levitate and ‘fly around my room’ (claims the Catholic Church backs-up) Her psychosis was similarly highlighted in ‘Saints and Madmen’ (by Russell Shorto)
Another re-occurring theme in the analysis of St Teresa’s life is: sexual repression (the topic of the fore-mentioned British movie) By all accounts Teresa was a beautiful woman, with many admirers. Her sexual desires unable to find a physical outlet, she finds ‘pleasure’ and ‘release’ in her visions.
In her autobiography she wrote “During ecstasy the body stops moving, breathing becomes slower and weaker, you only sigh and pleasure comes in waves…”. For all intents and purposes, she is describing an orgasm. Many interpret her most famous vision (above) as having strong sexual connotations, and the angels golden spear to be phallic symbolism.
Others modern psychiatrists like Dewhust & Beard (‘Handbook of Health & Religion), attribute her visions to temporal lobe epilepsy. Just may be, the Catholic Church does have a sense of humour after all, or begrudgingly agree with the diagnosis - St Teresa just happens to be ‘The Patron Saint of headache sufferers’!
Even Teresa herself considered she was “mad” at times, an opinion shared by many of her fellow nuns, villagers surrounding her monastery etc. In one examination of her powers the two priests involved concluded she was ‘deluded’- but not enough to prevent beatification. In many of the Catholic Churches official writings they do point to her issues, framing them as “mental agonies”.
This article is part of my series on ‘Churches of Christchurch’ in which I investigate the lives of the Saints, exploring the real stories behind the names synonymous with some of our cities most famous landmarks. We look behind the official church rhetoric, and examine more closely their often flamboyant & sometimes disturbing lives.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
The late 60’s saw the first attempt to decriminalise homosexual acts, but the campaign quickly floundered. A letter to the campaigners from the Lord Cobham (former Governor General)best sums-up the conservative attitudes of the day “These people are mentally sick to as great an extent as, for example, people suffering from smallpox are sick. The whole problem of legalising this offence seems to me to hinge upon the extent to which the disease is contagious.”.
This societal phobia against gays continued through the 70’s when Colin Moyle was forced to resign from parliament in 1977 after Robert Muldoon – then Leader of the Opposition – alleged that Moyle had been picked up by the police while soliciting in a public place.
Even by the mid 80’ there were still large tracts of society who shared the belief homosexuality could be spread, & teens would be targeted by homosexuals.
Homosexual Law Reform was also a ‘poison chalice’ that no political party was willing to drink from, and the bill was introduced to the N.Z House of Representatives on 8 March 1985 as ‘a private members’ initiative by Fran Wilde, and voted-on by the ‘conscious’ of each MP, rather than party lines.
The bill had two parts. The first dealt with the decriminalisation of sexual offences between men as well as the decriminalisation of consensual heterosexual anal intercourse, while providing protection for minors of both sexes. The second would make it illegal to discriminate on the grounds of sexual orientation in the areas of employment, accommodation etc.
What was being fought for was not simply decriminalisation, but the social acceptance of homosexuality.
“I believe that the real aim [of the gay community] is to change society’s attitudes towards homosexuality and gain total acceptance of homosexual behaviours in all areas,” [ Opponent of Law Reform, Labour MP Geoff Braybrooke, Parliament 1986]
“Many thousands of people came out in their families,” “and that was part of a process of changing understanding of gayness in New Zealand society, which was more important than the law change” [Bill Logan, the public face of the Gay Task Force ]
One of these so-called experts was American ‘psychologist’ Dr Paul Cameron, who infamously is on record saying the early ‘80s stating, Gays are "worse than murderers," and his solution with AIDS was “all practicing homosexuals should be required to register and their movements should be tracked,". Charmed I’m sure.
Christian interest groups argued that the law would some how lead to more homosexuality and the nett result would eventually mean the collapse of the family unit.
Young boys would be put at risk. Homosexuality and paedophilia were constantly linked to build-up public hysteria. The Coalition of Concerned Citizens called this a Seduction Theory which they outlined in their literature, using the most unfortunate turn of phrase “‘Impressionable young people' will be sucked in to gay sex with older men”.
“If a homosexual approaches me for a job I cannot discriminate against him on that ground. I believe I should have that right; I should be able to say: ‘I do not blame you for being homosexual; I am not heaping scorn and condemnation upon your head; I accept that you have the right to think as you will, but I do not want anything to do with you and I don’t want to employ you.” [Doug Graham, National Party in his submission, happy to descriminate on sexuality, but then in the next breath, putting his Treaty Negotiator ‘hat on’ then arguing for Maori compensation. Duplicitous moi?]
“I believe you’re here to stand for righteousness, and I believe you’re here tonight to stand for the God-ordained family unit.” “We’re asking Christians everywhere to really pray and seek the guidance of God about this” [ Barry Reed of the Moral Majority, on Radio NZ ]
“Sick, sad perverts, choosing abomination . . . they spread their filth over the world . . . hiding their degradation under the word Gay . . . a disgusting Bill which would legitimise buggery . . . voting in favour of filth, sodomy, fellatio, and other nameless horrors . .[ abridged, Len Assheton-Harbord, Nelson Evening Mail ]
A central part of the on-going debate was a huge nationwide ‘anti-gay’ petition, the brain-child of four MPs ( Geoff Braybrooke, Graeme Lee, Norman Jones, Allan Wallbank) opposing the legislation – which was rejected by Parliament's Petitions Committee due to the high number of irregularities (false names, duplicate signings etc) The petition itself was administered by those nice people at The Salvation Army & partly funded by businessmen like Keith ‘Homes’ Hay. The petition which gathered an estimated 350,000 signatures, did go to prove that opposition to the bill was strong.
“The overstatement involved in the presentation of the boxes and the overstatement of numbers do no credit to the petitioners,” [Junior MP Trevor Mallard]
The Homosexual Law Reform Bill took 14 months to move through the parliamentary process. Members of Parliament had rejected a proposed amendment that would raise the age of consent to 18, so it remained at 16 in the final legislation – the same age as for heterosexuals.
The final vote was held on 9 July 1986, and the bill was passed by 49 votes to 44.
Gays, lesbians and their supporters partied; church leaders up and down the country (a notable exception were The Presbyterians) predicted doom and gloom. For the first time in New Zealand legal history, homosexual men could enter into sexual relationships without fear of prosecution.
The depth of anger, manifested itself when in September of that year The Lesbian and Gay Rights Resource Centre in Wellington was vandalised and partially destroyed by arson.
It was a sad epilogue to a debate which had unleashed violent passions on both sides.
For the law reformers, it was still only a partial victory. The second part of the bill, which would have removed discrimination on the basis of sexuality, was rejected. Opponents argued that homosexuality was not a human rights issue and that discrimination was fair and acceptable. It wasn't until the Human Rights Act was passed in 1993 that it became illegal in New Zealand to discriminate on the grounds of sexual orientation.
For a great many decent, fair-minded, ordinary New Zealanders watching this ‘religious hatred’ surrounding The Homosexual Law Reform bubble to the surface - was the last straw. They saw ‘the ugly side’ and primeval nature of religion in New Zealand & rejected its divisiveness. Christian perception did not mirror what they knew was the case in reality. Most Kiwis had ‘gays’ in their social circle, work-mates, neighbours over the fence & sometimes as a relative.
For the first time in our countries history Christians themselves, found they were a minority on a major issue of morality, and saw themselves as ‘fighting the good fight’ against a godless secular society bent on destroying the countries very foundations.
The late Norman Jones (left), the National MP for Invercargill, one of the four behind the petition, most certainly saw the struggle in these heroic terms. “It’s a war,” he declared on Radio New Zealand in November 1985. “It’s a war [against] people who knowingly undertake sodomy and anal intercourse knowing that they’re going to infect the other partner [with AIDS]…. So far as I’m concerned, no quarter is being given and no quarter is being asked.”
So what has changed since the bill was passed?
Certainly not the doom laden prophecies of the anti brigade.
AIDs trends in New Zealand followed those of other western countries, gay men and lesbians are accepted in the wider community for who they are, not their sexual preferences.
Many of the more moderate Christian Churches now accept Gays for ordination.
New Zealanders sense for fair-play has subsequently seen voters endorse the world’s first transgender Member of Parliament.
In many ways the Homosexual Law Reform was a water-shed, signalling the demise of religious influence in both New Zealand Law and Society.
Friday, November 14, 2008
“Whatever your theological perspective, there’s a good chance you’ll enjoy the action packed thriller series Left Behind". [N.Z Christian News]
“It’s so fun, it’s so hip” [Tammy Trent, Author]
“This gives them [teens] something worthy” [Tim LeHaye, Co-Author]
Like me you are probably offended at the very concept that a video game, based on a book by the same name, could be conceived and then distributed, that actually encourages & rewards religious hatred.
So who is behind this vile PC game & publication, which instills bigotry & deliberately targets local teens?
At a guess most Kiwis would say an underground cell of Al Qaeda?
Well, they would be way off the mark.
The hate mongering book and game is marketed in New Zealand by those ‘family friendly’ Christian Stores.
Now imagine what would happen from the likes of Family First, The Kiwi Party and other fundamentalist interests, if a similar game or publication arrived in New Zealand where the aim and synopsis was to exterminate Christians?
The moral outrage would be heard the length and breadth of New Zealand, and the well practiced Christian pressure groups would call for its immediate banning.
"Hey come look Dad, I killed me one of those no good heathen Jews"
It will be these very same indignatious Christians, that will be filling their own children’s Christmas stockings with this ‘wholesome’ game & book, in which it’s heroic character, leads a post-rapture cell of ‘Christ’s Warriors’ who battle the ungodly masses.
If you look closely to the above picture from 'Left Behind Eternal Forces' you'll spot 'the army of the damned' are basically unarmed civilians.
It’s fine for these god-fearing parents to fill these young minds with images of this Christian ‘Mad Max’ waste-land, where a lack of faith in Jesus, is enough to justify extermination.
These paragons of Christian ‘values’ have no problem gifting their kids a video game, where after liquidating Jews, Atheists, Hindus, Muslims you get bonus points for saying “Praise the Lord”.
It’s easy to see why we live in a world so full of intolerance, why Christians are so often labeled hypocrites.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Where ever they travel through-out the world New Zealanders are largely viewed are friendly & honest people, understanding of local cultural sensitivities, follower’s of the rule ‘when in Rome’.
There’s a notable exception to the normal universal ‘open-armed’ acceptance of Kiwi visitors. A little-known place on the map, where New Zealanders are viewed with suspicion, even fear, by a large section of the populous, an historic negative connotation which has lead The New Zealand Government to issue a travel safety warning to any Kiwi venturing there.
The State of Tripura in India (bordering Tibet, China, Myanmar and Bangladesh), is the place I’m referring to.
For decades the Tripura region of India has been racked with religious & tribal conflicts. An estimated 11,000 people have been killed in the last 20 years & another 30,000 made homeless in this unrest.
This ongoing sectarian war has escalated lately and has lead the Christian minority in the region to call for the creation of a separate ‘state within a state’, partitioning Christians from the dominant indigenous Hindu population.
Since 1989 a Christian Terrorist Group (National Liberation Front of Tripura) has been operating in the state, with an express aim of creating an independent Christian state. The NLFT’s objectives are set-out in their manifesto: ‘To expand The Kingdom of God & Christ in Tripura’ – using force.
NLFT have undertaken bombings, shootings, kidnappings & rapes to bring about their goal for a separate Christian state. NLFT (and their sister terror group ‘Christian All Tripura Tiger Force’) regularly employ a policy of ‘convert or die’ in their attempts to subjugate the local population.
So what is the New Zealand link in all of this?
Sixty years ago the first Christian missionaries arrived in Tripura.
To be more specific, they arrived from the Baptist Church of New Zealand.
It was these proselytising endeavours by these Baptists from New Zealand over half a century ago, that have lead directly to the current bloodshed and ongoing religious conflict which now exists between their modern-day followers of Christ & the traditional local Hindu & Buddhist communities who have called the region home, and practiced local religions & customs for over a thousand years.
“Please pray for the young Christians in Tripura will not be lead astray by groups that come to Tripura and try and teach false doctrines”
[ The twisted prayer of the day for 21st July 2008, from Tranzsend, the Mission arm of The Baptist Churches of New Zealand]
Globally Baptist Churches (including New Zealand) poor millions of dollars of aid into the Tripura region, and there is strong belief amongst Hindu’s etc in Tripura, it’s these funds are arming the NLFT.
Indeed there is compelling ‘on the ground’ evidence that the Baptist Church in Tripura has been supporting NLFT. In 2000 the secretary of the Noapara Baptist Church in Tripura was arrested when his hidden cache of explosives was located in the church. Also arrested were several other church officials, who were also found to be in possession of ingredients for making bombs. All confessed to having links with NLFT and even attending al Qaeda type camps.
In another incident in August 2003, police arrested the secretary of a Baptist Christian Missionary church in North Tripura District who was in possession of five kg of potassium, one kg sulphur, few gelatin sticks and 45 gm of high explosive materials.
A senior member of the then governing Bharatiya Janta Party, K.N Govindacharya, accused Baptist Churches in Tripura & their overseas supporters, of ‘ethnic cleansing’ in the region.
Bill Adam from New Zealand with Rajani Kaipeng, General Secretary of the Tripura Baptist Christian Union
The corpses of Indian Soldiers loaded on to a truck, all victims of Christian Terrorism in the Tripiura region.
NLFT is not totally reliant on overseas benefactors, they also raise funds to achieve their goal for Christian statehood by kidnapping, extortion, drugs, counterfeiting & producing ‘underground’ pornographic movies, some of which involve the filming of their soldiers raping tribal villagers, who failed to covert via a gun-barrel & faced the consequences of wishing to retain their traditional beliefs
It was New Zealanders that planted those first seeds of divisiveness in Tripura, and it’s still New Zealanders who today have joined forces with Baptists around the globe, in their on-going attempts to wipe out a whole way of life, erase centuries of tradition and customs - all in the name of their foreign God & putting another pin in their conquerors map.
The Baptist Church hardly makes any secret about what their real 'mission' in Tripura is all about (listen to the song lyrics & view the dialogue) here on You-Tube:
Apple-Pie will replace curry, with Pavlova for dessert.
Far from simply trying to help impoverished, uneducated peoples in India - this is a callous exercise by The Baptist Church in cultural & religious genocide.
All at gun point, as necessary.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Between United Future (0.89), Kiwi Party (0.56), & Family Party (0.33) the parties of The Lord (Potty for short) polled miserably, and will be down on their knees this Sunday morning, looking upwards wondering why Gods political wrath was delivered to ‘us’ his most ardent followers?
Zero was their grand total of party seats, a more emphatic electoral rejection, was not capable of being manufactured.
Peter Dunne, kept his constituent seat, the one he held when he was in National & Labour, is yet again ‘the lonely man in Parliament’, a situation he has made his specialty. Dunne’s number two, can start packing her desk & slip on back into ‘civy land’ to run her ‘happy clappy’ church.
The ‘blood-bath’ suffered by the Potty Parties is best exemplified by the pitiful performance of the Family Party (Family First in drag, similar to a Priscilla Queen of The Desert sense of the word)
Receiving 6,793 votes, Family Party polled well behind the ‘piss-taking’ Bill & Ben Party (10,738) and amusingly, even less than The Aotearoa Legalise Cannabis Party (7,589)
For those not familiar with Bill and Ben they promised to promise nothing. However, by promising no promises they are making a promise, but that’s the only promise that they have made. They promise. In their only known political statement of substance issued during their election campaign, their two leaders, Messrs. Linehan and Boyce, rejected United Future leader Peter Dunne as a possible coalition partner. They argued, rightfully so I might add, that he looks too "dweeby" and reminiscent of Dracula. Rejecting the $10,000 allocated to all Political Parties for electioneering, Bill & Ben opted for a publicity campaign that revolved around a range of outrageous media-grabbing stunts & you-tubes.
Their slap-stick approach proved more of a vote grabber to Kiwi’s than the dour ‘sky is falling’ propaganda that Family First (oops sorry, I keep on getting confused here) Family Party, issued.
On Election Night humour & closet dope smokers convincingly won over extreme righteousness.
New Zealanders signalled, by in large, they are not interested in erroneous issues like smacking, whether the neighbours are ‘shacked-up’ rather than married, or if the lady over the back fence works as a prostitute rather than a hair-dresser.
Kiwi’s resoundingly wanted consensus politics, and consensus has never been in the vocabulary of Potty Parties at this, or any of the previous elections.
The public wanted stable coalition government with a sound economic & social platforms, one that didn’t involve having to pander to minor parties like Kiwi, carrying their extreme agenda’s.
Last night, religion in New Zealand politics was publicly euthanised.
The process was performed painlessly, one vote at a time.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Many Kiwi’s opened their letter boxes this week to be greeted a letter from the conservative Christian ‘Kiwi Party’.
Not an unusual thing in itself, seeing there’s less than 48 hours until a general election.
But have the recipients of this political material, from the doomed & desperate ‘Kiwi Party’, ever bothered to think where the party got their details from?
If they think carefully they’ll remember it was that nice-old lady, manning the table at the shopping-mall last year.
It was her that was collecting names for the first of two petitions seeking a citizens-initiated referendum against the recent anti-smacking legislation.
If they looked closely to the form the petition form they signed, they would have seen the ‘pro-smacking’ petition was being organised by one, Larry Baldock.
Larry also happens to be the leader of The Kiwi Party.
Now it’s worth mentioning it wasn’t just Kiwi Party supporters that were collecting signatures for the two petitions, there was support also from ACT and Family First in particular.
So those two rival political parties feel particularly aggrieved at being ‘stabbed in the back’ by Larry and his buddies at the Kiwi Party who have gained access to the personal details of a large chunk their membership, including dates of birth.
This is also a massive act of betrayal to anyone who signed the petition in the belief their privacy would be preserved & their details only kept solely for the purposed it was provided for.
The publics trust, has callously been abused for political gain by a party that is heading for oblivion, come Saturday evening.
It also goes to prove my point - you can never have faith in ‘parties of faith’.
Monday, November 3, 2008
So here’s a tip for you lot: rather than just slamming the door in their faces – have some fun instead!
So how does one get rid of a Mormon from the entrance & have a giggle at the same time?
How do you brighten your day with some pagan peevishness and dispatch that Jehovah’s Witness from your door-step?
Here’s my list.
1.) Act as if you have ‘mental health issues’ by claiming you see devils, in a voice that dramatically raises and lowers without warning. Be sure act like you have a nervous twitch, of some kind and drop in “medication” and “since I got out” as soon as possible in the conversation. If you get look as if you are getting in too deep, tell them “my psychiatrist told be I’m not allowed to talk anyone about my dark period” scream like a banshee and slam the door.
2.) If they are carrying a ‘Watch Tower’ magazine you can identify them as a Jehovah Witness. Tell them you would like to subscribe and could they send it to your place of employment, the local Blood Donors Clinic.
3.) Evangelists of any colour always travel in pairs so as soon as you answer the door tell them ” Christ, I told the escort agency I only wanted one, you go to the bedroom get undressed, you wait outside, and I’ll call them to sort it out”. Works especially well if you are speaking to those of the same sex.
4.) You can identify a Moron by his L.D.S badge. Now remember the Mormons are ‘big on polygamy’ so what you need to do is come across like a real sleaze-ball, deviant by giving them some ribald questions to answer like “God is must be hot watching your wives get it on?” , “Guys it must be great having more than one wife because when ones on the rag you can fu*k the other one”, “You must f*ck the hot ones more than the ugly ones eh?”. Don’t move from the topic of multiple wives and learn to impersonate a laugh like Bevis & Butthead.
5.) Tell the Christian Door-Knockers you’ve recently joined Amway after you were made redundant, sales have been down. Paint yourself as desperate, and change tables on them. Don’t stop talking about shampoos and personal care items at discount prices. Then get a pen & paper and say “can I put you on my mailing list?”.
By the way I’ve tried method 3 & 4 and can vouch for their effectiveness & amusement value.
Strange as it may sound, proselytising types seem to avoid my joint of late, so I’ll leave it to you to test the other scripts I’ve devised.
Be sure to send us your ideas how to ‘preacher proof the average suburban house’ in the comments section below.
PS: If you are not confident enough to engage religious door-knockers in conversation, why not have an appropriate prop handy instead? Amazon just happen to have a whole range that will do the trick nicely. Now that's cool.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
12 "Speak to the Israelites and say to them: 'If a man's wife goes astray and is unfaithful to him 13 by sleeping with another man, and this is hidden from her husband and her impurity is undetected (since there is no witness against her and she has not been caught in the act), 14 and if feelings of jealousy come over her husband and he suspects his wife and she is impure—or if he is jealous and suspects her even though she is not impure- 15 then he is to take his wife to the priest. He must also take an offering of a tenth of an ephah of barley flour on her behalf. He must not pour oil on it or put incense on it, because it is a grain offering for jealousy, a reminder offering to draw attention to guilt.
16 " 'The priest shall bring her and have her stand before the LORD. 17 Then he shall take some holy water in a clay jar and put some dust from the tabernacle floor into the water. 18 After the priest has had the woman stand before the LORD, he shall loosen her hair and place in her hands the reminder offering, the grain offering for jealousy, while he himself holds the bitter water that brings a curse. 19 Then the priest shall put the woman under oath and say to her, "If no other man has slept with you and you have not gone astray and become impure while married to your husband, may this bitter water that brings a curse not harm you. 20 But if you have gone astray while married to your husband and you have defiled yourself by sleeping with a man other than your husband"- 21 here the priest is to put the woman under this curse of the oath-"may the LORD cause your people to curse and denounce you when he causes your thigh to waste away and your abdomen to swell. [b] 22 May this water that brings a curse enter your body so that your abdomen swells and your thigh wastes away. [c] " Then the woman is to say, "Amen. So be it."
23 " 'The priest is to write these curses on a scroll and then wash them off into the bitter water. 24 He shall have the woman drink the bitter water that brings a curse, and this water will enter her and cause bitter suffering. 25 The priest is to take from her hands the grain offering for jealousy, wave it before the LORD and bring it to the altar. 26 The priest is then to take a handful of the grain offering as a memorial offering and burn it on the altar; after that, he is to have the woman drink the water. 27 If she has defiled herself and been unfaithful to her husband, then when she is made to drink the water that brings a curse, it will go into her and cause bitter suffering; her abdomen will swell and her thigh waste away, and she will become accursed among her people. 28 If, however, the woman has not defiled herself and is free from impurity, she will be cleared of guilt and will be able to have children.
So there’s Gods punishment for foul-mouthed, pregnant wives who stray – death to her unborn child, and any chance of conceiving outside the matrimonial bed, gone as well. Good old “bitter water” the Biblical equivalent of the RU486, only so much better!
Strange, I always understood Christians, are against abortion? Pro-Life, even? That must have been my mistake sorry, because here we have a recipe for aborting children in The Old Testament and THE LORDS word is after-all , THE LORDS word.
PS: By the way if you are giving it a try, an ephah is the modern-day equivalent of about two litres, but to be sure I’d recommend you better run through the concoction with your neighbourhood priest, before shoving it down the throat of your ‘knocked-up’, philandering wife.