Monday, November 3, 2008

How to get rid of ‘Door to Door Soul Peddlers’

“But a prophet who presumes to speak in my name anything I have not commanded him to say, or a prophet who speaks in the name of other gods, must be put to death." [Deuteronomy 18:20-22] If only it was this easy!

I say stuff being ‘polite but firm’ with the bastards that make it their righteous duty to annoy the sanctity of my house.

So here’s a tip for you lot: rather than just slamming the door in their faces – have some fun instead!

So how does one get rid of a Mormon from the entrance & have a giggle at the same time?

How do you brighten your day with some pagan peevishness and dispatch that Jehovah’s Witness from your door-step?

Here’s my list.

1.) Act as if you have ‘mental health issues’ by claiming you see devils, in a voice that dramatically raises and lowers without warning. Be sure act like you have a nervous twitch, of some kind and drop in “medication” and “since I got out” as soon as possible in the conversation. If you get look as if you are getting in too deep, tell them “my psychiatrist told be I’m not allowed to talk anyone about my dark period” scream like a banshee and slam the door.

2.) If they are carrying a ‘Watch Tower’ magazine you can identify them as a Jehovah Witness. Tell them you would like to subscribe and could they send it to your place of employment, the local Blood Donors Clinic.

3.) Evangelists of any colour always travel in pairs so as soon as you answer the door tell them ” Christ, I told the escort agency I only wanted one, you go to the bedroom get undressed, you wait outside, and I’ll call them to sort it out”. Works especially well if you are speaking to those of the same sex.

4.) You can identify a Moron by his L.D.S badge. Now remember the Mormons are ‘big on polygamy’ so what you need to do is come across like a real sleaze-ball, deviant by giving them some ribald questions to answer like “God is must be hot watching your wives get it on?” , “Guys it must be great having more than one wife because when ones on the rag you can fu*k the other one”, “You must f*ck the hot ones more than the ugly ones eh?”. Don’t move from the topic of multiple wives and learn to impersonate a laugh like Bevis & Butthead.

5.) Tell the Christian Door-Knockers you’ve recently joined Amway after you were made redundant, sales have been down. Paint yourself as desperate, and change tables on them. Don’t stop talking about shampoos and personal care items at discount prices. Then get a pen & paper and say “can I put you on my mailing list?”.

By the way I’ve tried method 3 & 4 and can vouch for their effectiveness & amusement value.

Strange as it may sound, proselytising types seem to avoid my joint of late, so I’ll leave it to you to test the other scripts I’ve devised.

Be sure to send us your ideas how to ‘preacher proof the average suburban house’ in the comments section below.


PS: If you are not confident enough to engage religious door-knockers in conversation, why not have an appropriate prop handy instead?
Amazon just happen to have a whole range that will do the trick nicely. Now that's cool.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I particularly like the escort agency number, and I will use that in future.
A workmate once told me about a friend who was in a band, and after really late nights was often awoken early by religious visitors. So one day he answered the door completely naked, and was not troubled again.