Thursday, September 11, 2008

Sign-up for ‘Mail-Order Immortality’ before it’s too late!!

When I first stumbled upon, ‘The New Zealand Conditional Immortality Association’, my initial thoughts were, that this has got to be a giant piss-take (but on further reflection, sidelined such titillating thoughts when I remembered Kiwi students are far too busy burning couches & paying-off loans these days, to come-up with humorous scams like this)

I mean, just the corny abbreviation C.I.A has to raise alarm bells.

Closer inspection turned my amusement into bemusement, when I established - these guys are serious!

In fact deadly serious (get the pun?)

What’s more fellow Kiwi’s, the doyens at ‘N.Z.C.I.A.’ have made the road to immortality, ridiculously simple.

Frankly, it’s a piece of piss.

1.) Tick a few statements on their web site called a ‘Statement of Faith’
2.) Fill in their membership form
3.) Stick a 50 cent stamp on to the envelope
4.) Send away to a Post Office Box in Takinini.

Tip 1: Make sure you include a return name & address.

Then, it’s a matter of waiting patiently & doubtlessly anxiously, for your membership card to arrive.

Tip 2: Get them to courier the card back. You wouldn’t want to die suddenly and be caught without it, would you?

Picture the excitement as the postman arrives with your ‘ticket to immortality’.

This beats that fictitious Willy Wonker and that his naff golden ticket, any day.

Now I’m thinking a few of you may have some nagging doubts as to the validity of any outfit that’s promising the equivalent of ‘mail-order eternal life’.

Let me put these suspicions to rest once and for all folks, by posting a photo of head honcho at The New Zealand Conditional Immortality Association.

This is David Burge.

Credit where, credit is due, David even publishes a magazine on behalf of the association.

‘From Death to Life’ is the title of the quarterly mag (come on, you must have heard of it?)

And this Association is far from a one man band.

As if further reassurance was necessary, David solicits regular journalistic input ‘selling the after life’, from luminaries, such as:

Beryl Joy Ching!

Seriously folks, look at the ‘old dear’.

I’m half expecting Beryl to knit soul coveralls.

Paul Cooney is the gentleman pictured above, a vital cog in the machinery of immortality.

Rather conveniently Paul also happens to run Resurrection Funeral Services Limited.

It’s fair to say you could not be in better hands once you depart this mortal coil. Rest in peace, knowing Paul will ensure your Immortality Membership Card is firmly clasped in right hand, well before the lid goes-on.

Boy oh boy, have the squad at N.Z.C.I.A got all the bases covered, or what?

Take a 2nd take at those photos, and you’ll soon realise what a switched-on bunch you’re dealing with here, and more prudently, why you should entrust your soul into their capable hands.

By any measure, eternity is a long time, and each contraction of your heart muscle means the time to send that form away to P.O Box 202162, Takinini - is now!

So what are you waiting for New Zealand??

Immortality is within reach, and without all that messy & expensive cryogenics.

Click here (and say Canterbury Atheists sent you, for a 25% Discount)


Dad of Eight said...

“Conditional Immortality” is a recognized theological term that describes our beliefs. So CI Association seemed the logical choice. We could have gone for Fellowship of Believers in Immortality (FBI) but that’s in use too. Ministry for Individuals Interested In Investigating Immortality (which could be Shortened to MI5) might also raise alarm bells with you. Selah!
Turns out we don’t actually sell immortality. We believe it’s available for free.
Our mag is quarterly not monthly
Beryl’s name is Ching! (Not Chin) I don’t know if she knits but she spent over 40 years in India helping the poor (as well as teaching about immortality) so she’s probably tougher than both of us.
Paul’s a nice guy and would be willing to give you a good send off when the time comes. Despite your differences in philosophy.
We are happy to give a 25% Discount to any Canterbury Atheists but I think you might struggle to say you honestly agree with the aims and objects of our Association.
David Burge
Head Honcho
Conditional Immortality Association of New Zealand
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ans: Two. One to actually change the bulb and another to video tape the whole thing in case sone Fundamentalist claims God changed the bulb.

Canterbury Atheists said...

Good hearing from your David, the market selling ‘eternal life’ is a crowded one mate, with Churches on ever corner claiming the same sort of thing as you guys. I think the public need some consumer protection here, clearly no one likes being duped, and not all of you can be right. So what I’m suggesting is we test these competing systems, including yours, using the resources of Consumer/Fair Go/Target and the psychics from ‘Sensing Murder’. What will happen is each belief system gets a Kamikaze squad together and suicides ‘live’ on T.V (you have the choice of firing squad, electrocution and lethal injection – take my advice, only a girls blouse would go for the chemicals, with so much at stake, heaps of blood will go down better with the audience) Once they’ve ‘passed-over’ we get The Psychics to communicate with them to see who was right! The Muslims obviously have a might more practice at this that sort of thing, so you should start a training regime as soon as possible. You need your best troops on the job. Run it past Beryl and Paul? I’m so confident you’ll come-up trumps there David, I’m going down to the T.A.B and putting a sly hundred on the rank outsiders, N.Z.C.I.A beating-off the major contenders from the likes of Islam, Catholicism. The Judges may have an issue with those who believe in reincarnation, but that’s not your concern. ‘Reality T.V’ will never be the same, and you’ll need a Private Box to handle all the membership forms that will flood in subsequent to the airing ‘mass suicide’ and your vindication. Paul's funeral business is also bound to do well, an added bonus.Pleased to assist you and 'the team' where I can, for their T.V appearance (and disappearance) Cheers. Paul.

Dad of Eight said...

The market selling ‘eternal life’ is indeed crowded but I am something of a libertarian at heart and your pumping for “consumer protection” sounds like an apologetic for more government intervention in the private lives of citizens? I’m happy to be just another player in the free market of ideas without invoking the power of the State (As an aside, Why do the libertarians in NZ appear to be so “antichristian” unlike their American counterparts? But I digress).
It is true that we cannot all be right. The problem with your Consumer/Fair Go/Target / psychics ‘Sensing Murder’ suggestion, as I see it, is this: believers in Conditional Immortality say that when you die you “bite the dust”, “cash in one’s chips”, "give up the ghost" (actually from the Old English gast meaning spirit or breath, not some supernatural phantom) you “croak”, You "kick the bucket"; you have (to add a NZ flavour) “sucked the kumera”. You are “as dead as a door knob”, “pushing up daisies.” Perhaps our website does not make this clear enough to those unfamiliar with theological terms but, as I see it, there is no one there for the psychics to sense (whether they were murdered or otherwise). Dare I quote that book: “Dust you are and to dust you shall return”. So, you see, I will not be volunteering to leave friends and family (including a wife and eight kids) to sleep the big sleep before my time.
In short, oddly enough, you may find yourself in screaming agreement with me on the nature of death and the state of the dead.
Where we disagree, perhaps, is on the question of whether or not there is a God (or god) who can bring somebody back from the dead – and whether or not there is historical evidence that he has done so at least once in the case of Jesus of Nazareth. Following on from that it is pertinent to ask, is there grounds for believing he can and will do the same for us some time in the future?

Canterbury Atheists said...

David, rather than us mere mortals debating this immortality business (both metaphorical and literal translations of the word, business I might add) let’s get God involved! He’s the only one who can clarify the ‘after-life’, after all. So, open question to Mr God up in the heavens “give us the lowdown on immortality big guy’?. David, I’m off to Australia tomorrow, so if God replies to you could you please take notes for me mate? I’m not on good terms with him, as you’d already know. Alternatively, if God or his secretary/spokesman wants to speak directly to me, I’m sure he’s got my cell phone number. If easier he can text. By the time I get back from Queensland next week I’m confident God will clear this up once & for all and I'll be posting away my membership. Gotta go. Paul.

TobyRicketts said...

Wow, this is brilliant!