10 Reasons Why Ghosts Don’t Exist.

Only the gullible and those that have mandates to substantiate the after-life believe in ghosts and the paranormal.

Ghosts are simply wishful thinking and a convenient excuse for explaining ‘what goes bump in the night.’

Proving ghosts are a man-made psychosis is in-fact very simple.

1.) Ghosts come in one form – that just happens to be human - which is conveniently what we bipedal-chimps want to see, and not say a dead cow hovering at the end of ones bed. Have you ever heard of the legend of oceans being haunted by ghostly plankton?

2.) Ghosts just happen to be nocturnal, preferring night-time to ‘do their thing’. So when you die you suddenly become adverse to daylight – right?

3.) Like the popular bug-eyed Aliens, modern ghosts are all stereotypical, with the same looks and characteristics. The standard ghost or spectre in China is that of a Chinaman. The standard ghost in an Inuit community resembles the locals and not a six foot six black-man.

4.) Purportedly ghosts have the ‘magical’ capabilities to travel through walls, levitate etc. Powers they didn’t have when they were alive. They move objects all the time – but never get behind the wheels of a car and drive, type a letter on a computer or light-up a Bensons and Hedges. When it comes to interacting with humans all ghosts want to do is scare the shit out of the living in the dead of night or flash their tits at us in photos. Aimless activity, no-one has been able to detect with any surety.

5.) Ghosts are allergic to large crowds. ‘The Ghost of Super Bowl’ or ‘The Ghost of F.A Cup’ – I don’t think so.

6.) Ghosts love hotels and pubs. When you die you head immediately to ‘your local’ for a pint. How else could you explain the disproportionately high number of pubs that are haunted? And it’s always old pubs that act as magnets to the living dead, rather than a Five Star Hilton.

7.) If you can walk through walls why don’t you simply drop through the floor as well?

8.) Why aren’t all ghosts totally naked?

9.) Seeing that potentially we living-humans share the planet with 60 billion spirits, comprising all of humanities dead – where do these hordes of living-dead spend their time? I mean where do they live? Caves? The bottom of the ocean? The stratosphere? Six to a house?

10.) Last but not least – there is not a shred of evidence.

There is of course life after death – just not for the dead people.

“Boo!”

Scared ya!

Readers of this mornings ‘Press’ were greeted with the headlines ‘Christchurch – it’s a spooky town’ and a new re-hashed self proclaimed group of ‘paranormal investigators’ (photo above)

Their web site is http://www.ghosthunters.co.nz/ , which upon examination gives its mailing address as a post office box in Motueka (a town more renowned for its illicit drug trade rather than being a hotbed of living-dead)

This isn’t the first time our local newspaper has pandered to this motley-crew, comprised largely of what appears to be the over-imaginative, dateless and desperate.

Still everyone knows when creeping shadows, unidentifiable sounds combine with a journalist after a sensationalist story – it’s gotta be a ghost!

This is their head ghost-hunter, Anton Heyrick, pictured at the former Addington Prison, just a couple of months back.

Now one would suppose The Press may well have had the fortitude to ask Anton exactly what they had found in terms of evidence in their earlier search for apparitions at the Addington site, before their four-man team charged around other supposedly haunted sites in Canterbury.

But they didn’t need to ask a rational and logical question like that, now did they?

Along with the readers, of what was formerly was called a newspaper but is now little more than a tabloid - they already knew the answer to the million-dollar question “Hey fella, what have you found so far in terms of evidence?”

So far they found fucking nothing and they will find sweat fuck-all in terms of the after-life in any other places they care to stake-out – be it in Christchurch, Canterbury, New Zealand, Kazakhstan, Outer Mongolia or the back-blocks of The Amazon.

This is why: ghosts & spirits don’t exist.

The idea of ‘spirits’ or ‘gods’ stranded in a parallel existence, from which they communicate with those of the living with special abilities or can be detected by equipment purchased at Dick Smith Electronics, has in principal been about since time immemorial. The Delphic Oracle any one?

Life after death is a man-made invention.That’s why only dead humans communicate from an after-life, rattle chains in 13th century castles, and we don’t hear the barks from the deceased family Labrador coming from its old kennel.

If you believe in an afterlife and the ability for the 60 billion dead spirits to communicate (and seemingly so, only via psychics who charge for the privilege) with the 10 billion humans alive today and in some form survive-death, you must therefore believe that at some level:

*That every living minute of your life, is being snooped on by at least ten spirit beings, and they take an interest in you. Yes, that includes every time you have a piss, shag the wife, go to sleep etc. Why would these spirits be remotely interested in the mundane lives of you and me, when they can say voyeur the day to day activities of the drummer for Green Day? Following this logic is say Paris Hiltons shower room, the place to be in spooksville?

* What happens when the last living contact of these spirits dies? Who do they go around and watch then? Miss Hilton’s bed-room or the set of the next Porn Blockbuster - the living-world is your oyster. Why the fuck waste a single minute in a fucking re-converted Jail in Christchurch?

* All spirits apparently speak the same language, which fortunately means they avoid taking a crash Berlitz course in Serbo-Croation etc, the moment they pass-over.

* When you die you always prefer a crappy old building to live, the more derelict and unattractive the better. Ever heard of the ghost wandering the passages of the six-star Burj Al Arab Hotel in Dubai?

* In the after-life you retain the physical appearance and body at the moment of your death. With all those old people floating round it must be a fairly quite in the ‘after life’ and the zimmer-frame franchise-holder would be doing a roaring trade, along with sales in Viagra. Put it this way, I wouldn’t be opening a night-club in the next life. I pity the likes of Douglas Bader and invalids who must crawl their way through eternity - what a miserable existence it must be for these poor sods.

*If you are decapitated or placed in a vat of acid, you can still magically communicate and still keep your entire human-form when paranormal investigators open the cupboard you are hiding-in. Wow! Still on the positive, this leads to the conclusion that there's still hope for the ugly people in the after-life.

* The dead must take night classes. That’s so that when a bronze-aged peasant is called upon to communicate with a modern psychic, they know what say a ‘radio’ or ‘car’ is.

Lets be frank - the whole idea of dead talking to the living, spirits wandering spooky old houses is a load of crap.Those who claim to talk to the dead are nothing but crude charlatans with over active imaginations and a gift for cold-reading.

Those that chase ghostly spirits in the hope of finding evidence that when they die they get a second shot at things, are delusional and should get down to the pub and engage in sex more often (masturbation doesn’t count either)

In other-words start enjoying their one & only shot at life!

Benny Hill’s Ghostly Prediction from beyond-the grave comes true!

This is Baker Maurice Piner from Greymouth.

In yesterdays Christchurch ‘Press’ the neurotic populous of the region were told about the things going bump in the night in his bakery – and it wasn’t drunk patrons from The Railway Hotel on their way home.

Everyone knows when creeping shadows, unidentifiable sounds combine with a journalist after a sensationalist story – it’s gotta be a ghost!

And this is not just any run-of-the-mill spectre either.

Amateur West Coast historian Paul Schramm places Phil’s bakery on the same site as an 18th century boarding house & as it happens in 1891 a lonely Chinese miner called Ah Sing hung-himself.

Joining the dots, using a Ouija-board, yet another local historian Julia Bradshaw (clearly there’s not much to do at night in Greymouth outside genealogy) believes Ah Sing was overcome with guilt having stolen a watch from a mate and took the honorable way out at the time.

Bradshaw confirms, by way of thinly strung innuendo, it’s the ghost of Ah Sing who’s checking out the bakery's gluten-free loaves of bread and chocolate donuts, rather than rattling chains in some Scottish castle.

This story about Chinese miners of course is a total load of crap.

There is a much more logical explanation, an apparition prophesied by none other the demi-god of comedy – the late ‘Benny Hill.’

One could easily think a quaint ditty like ‘Ernie The Fastest Milkman in The West’ (1971) is little more than a amusing throw-away tune.

Wrong!

There is a dark-side to this song.

One only needs look at the forth and last verses of ‘Ernie’ to come to the same spine-tingling conclusion I did:

Now Ernie had a rival, an evil-looking man,
Called Two-Ton Ted from Teddington and he drove the baker's van.
He tempted her with his treacle tarts and his tasty wholemeal bread,
And when she seen the size of his hot meat pies it very near turned her head.

But a woman's needs are many fold and soon she married Ted,
But strange things happened on their wedding night as they lay in their bed.
Was that the trees a-rustling? Or the hinges of the gate?
Or Ernie's ghostly gold tops a-rattling in their crate?

Yes folks, it IS Two-Ton Ted from Teddington that’s haunting that bakery!

If only more people would do their research.

Watch the stage death of a Psychic Fraudster

To say this fraudster, James Van Praagh, is caught-floundering on Australian Television , is an understatement.

It’s embarrassing just how few hits this losers cold-reading gets from the bemused and increasingly cynical studio-audience.

Check out the faces and body language of Van Praagh, the audience and then the shows-host - who obviously gets the word from the producer to bring the public-humiliation to a premature end whilst they still have people at home watching.

Positively cringe-worthy.

Who the hell believes this sort of crap?

Life after Death ‘The Evidence’ – Sweat F**k All!

I’ve never heard of this numb-skull D’Souza before this, but he doesn’t get off to a good start when he’s asked “Is there life after death?” and he replies “I think there is?” Hardly convincing stuff when you are trying to flog-off a book proving life after death is real.

Next his constant, if not convenient, confusion of ‘near death’ with ‘death death’ – there is a big difference between the two concepts – we happen to call it eternity.

No one has ever come back from the full-blooded version of death.

If I pumped a full magazine into his head, I don’t think he’ll be telling us about ‘tunnels’ and ‘lights’ anytime soon.

Yes, like most humans Atheists like me are shit-scared of death but we don’t make-up stories to comfort ourselves at night in our caves – instead we get enjoy our one and only chance at it and would rather spend the money on alcohol rather than this turkeys absurd ramblings.

Conclusion: There is of course life after death – just not for the dead people.

Sensing Murder – Sensing Charlatans

It’s time to highlight the ridiculous & some-what morbid proposition, that some how, dead ‘spirits’ exist & the even more ludicrous position that, psychics can solve crimes.

First, the role of psychics, play in criminal investigations.

Were Psychics in any way a reliable form of investigating crime, doubtless they would already reside, in great numbers, behind the desks in every Police Department around the globe.

Every time a crime occurred, it would then be a simple job of taking an article of the aggrieved party to the Psychic Detective, and ‘hey presto’ they would produce the guilty party, or leads as to their where-a-bouts etc.

Psychic Detectives would have long ago largely replaced solid investigations based on the sort of substantive evidence, policing has traditionally relied-on.

Witness’s, statements, circumstance etc would no longer form the main basis of Criminal prosecutions.

Instead a Court would rely on what a Psychic, and their menagerie of dead people, had to say, to prove guilt or innocence.

It would mean in effect – dead people would be in control of Justice System.

Even the most ardent ‘believer’ in those who claim to have psychic abilities, can see what a ludicrous proposition this would be – yet are happy to swallow ‘hook line and sinker’ what is feed to them as ‘Reality TV’.

More ever the facts are to this point are conclusive: psychics don’t solve crimes (at any better than the rate of chance)

Nothing has come from say an episode of ‘Sensing Murder’ that had lead to a case being solved.

This is why.

Dead people don't talk & spirits don’t exist.

The idea of ‘spirits’ or ‘gods’ stranded in a parallel existence, from which they communicate with those of the living with special abilities, has been about since time immemorial. Delphic Oracle any one?

Life after death is a man-made invention.

That’s why only dead humans communicate from an after-life, and not the deceased family Labrador.

If you believe in an afterlife and the ability for the 60 billion dead spirits to communicate (and seemingly so, only via psychics who charge for the privilege) with the 10 billion humans alive today, you must therefore believe that at some level :

*That every living minute of your life, is being snooped on by at least ten spirit beings, and they take an interest in you. Yes, that includes every time you have a piss, shag the wife, go to sleep etc. Why would these spirits be remotely interested in the mundane lives of you and me, when they can say voyeur the day to day activities of the drummer for Motley Cru? Is Paris Hiltons shower room, the place to be in spooksville?

* What happens when the last living contact of these spirits dies? Who do they go around and watch then? Miss Hilton’s bed-room or the set of the next Porn Blockbuster, the living-world is your oyster.

* All spirits apparently speak the same language, which fortunately means they avoid taking a crash Berlitz course in Serbo-Croation etc, the moment they pass-over.

* Seemingly dead babies are given the gift of ‘speech’ or the after-life equivalent of a babble fish.

* In the after-life you retain the physical appearance and body at the moment of your death. With all those old people floating round it must be a fairly quite in the ‘after life’ and the zimmer-frame franchise-holder would be doing a roaring trade, along with sales in Viagra. Put it this way, I wouldn’t be opening a night-club in the next life. I pity the likes of Douglas Bader and invalids who must crawl their way through eternity - what a miserable existence it must be for these poor sods.

*If you are decapitated or placed in a vat of acid, you can still magically communicate. Wow! Still on the positive, this leads to the conclusion that there's still hope for the ugly people in the after-life.

* The dead take night classes. That’s so that when a bronze-aged peasant is called upon to communicate with a modern psychic, they know what say a ‘radio’ or ‘car’ is.

Lets be frank - the whole idea of dead talking to the living, is a load of crap.

Those who claim to talk to the dead are nothing but crude charlatans, with over active imaginations and a gift for cold-reading.

This is why the so-called Psychics paraded on New Zealand version of ‘Sensing Murder’ have avoided taking-up a $20,000 offer from local sceptic, Tony Andrews, to test their powers (more here on this challenge)

As we saw on TVNZ's ‘Eating Media Lunch’ last year, one of those Psychic stars, Deb Webber, was exposed by Australian Television, for the crude bull-shitter she is.

Enjoy this little excerpt as much as I did.