Monday, June 9, 2008

When Aliens Go Topless

"She came from Planet Claire" "I knew she came from there"

"She drove a Plymouth Satellite" "Faster than the speed of light"

Nanu, Nanu Earthlings.

Traditionally religions are out to repress sex in one form or another.

If it’s not homosexuality, sex outside marriage, masturbation, it’s institutionalised sexism and even calls to ban contraception.

But there, located amongst in the dessert section of the smorgasbord of superstition, comes one belief system that embraces the marketing value of sex.

This ‘Johnny come lately’ religion (in the loosest sense of the term) is also on a mission of liberation.

It wants all those females around the planet, well at least those that are so inclined, to start getting their titties-out, specifically on the 23rd August.

We are talking about The Raelian’s here, and that skinny dude with the 70's Disco medallion (above) is their leader.

Claude Vorilhon is his real name, but he now likes to call himself Raël. Amongst all sorts of weird & wonderful things, Claude claims his biological father was an alien, which looking at the size of his biceps means we have little to worry about from any extra terrestrial attack.

But before we continue with ‘the good stuff’, that’s to say women going topless en mass, let’s do a quick bio on The Raelians.

Back in 1973, Vorilhon was walking amongst France's volcanic mountain ranges when a spaceship appeared. A four-foot-tall extraterrestrial in a green, one-piece suit with almond-shaped eyes, long, black hair (being an advanced species the Aliens had found a cure for baldness but looking at Vorilhon’s photo, failed it seems to pass the secret formula onto their earthly emissary) ,a black beard and slightly greenish skin exited the spacecraft and taught Vorilhon that mankind was created in a test tube by a race of space creatures, referred to in the Old Testament as "The Elohim."

The diminutive aliens informed Vorilhon, that he was the last of the 40 prophets chosen to spread "the message." The space traveller instructed the Frenchman to change his name to Raël and start a religious movement.

Not content with building a spacecraft which can travel in excess of the speed of light, also included in the Aliens “message” (fine print anyone?) was the something about Raelian followers giving 10% of their income to Claude.

Now if you carbon life forms are getting lost with this story already, just remember it was The Elohim created all of the religions and mankind was created in test tubes, then take three deep breaths and take heed of the effects continual use of recreational drugs can have on ones sense of rationality. Star Trek Conventions have a lot to answer for.

And in case ‘The Raliens’ sounds strangely familiar to you – yes it’s them that are behind ‘UFO Land’ (it’s located in Quebec, Vorihons new home) and those ludicrous claims about human cloning back in 2003.

Do an internet search on ‘cloniad’ if the thought of having a ‘mini me’ is of interest & if by the way you are picking a name for your clone, make sure you do a better job than The Raelians did with ‘Eve’ – I ask you.

Manmade immortality via cloning is The Raelians ‘big sell’, topless rights for women ‘the soft sell’ (I prefer them perky personally)

One look at his Nubian entourage (Korean devotees below) and this is one religion that gets my attention.

“As long as men can go topless, women should have equal right” states Rael who has gone one step further and done mankind a massive favour by founding

Who are we to argue?

Death-ray any dissenters Rael – that’s my call.

I’ve marked the 23rd of August on my calendar and so should you.

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