Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Why the hell does anyone need a bunker? 

Who the hell builds a bunker in their backyards 

Let me answer both questions succinctly – paranoid survivalist looneys. 

Individuals who spend time and money going to the effort to build a bunker have mental health issues of varying degrees.  

Neighbours of these people should rightfully be scared. 

Bunker builders can ‘spin-out’ at any point. 

Bunker builders are weird fuckers.  

Bunker builders always come armed.  

The U.S is of course a bunker vortex.

Rural America has more bunkers per square mile than the beach at Normandy. 

Type-in ‘Build a bunker’ into google and unsurprisingly all the sites on the five pages I bothered to go through all originated from the U.S.      

There are companies that sell purpose built bunkers and will help you get the necessary council permits etc.  

Evidently people in Belgium, Australia, Taiwan etc don’t seem to share Americans enthusiasm for encasing themselves underground in concrete, metal coffins twiddling their thumbs awaiting the end of the earth as we know it.   

The people on the streets of New Zealand, Germany and Japan don’t appear to worry about government troops storming through their front doors, solar flares, nuclear holocausts etc and prefer to go to the pub.  

Non-Americans have the stunning ability to rationalise things, put them in context.      

Example 1 : It’s a nice day today. 

Should I (a.) go for a walk with the dog (b.) train my dog to attack with German command words?

Example 2: The political party I didn’t vote for got into power.  

Should I (a.) accept that’s democracy at work (b.) find other discontented voters, work together in cells to  find-out everything we can on our new leader to discredit him and then fixate about him sending tanks & troops into our town.   

 Example 3: The government wants to restrict military weapons to the military. 

Should I (a.) accept these weapons serve no recreational purpose and are lethal in the hands of the mentally ill (b.) think the sky has fallen in, the Russians had invaded and imposed their regime on us and bury the other ten rifles and ammo I have in the local forest least they steal them as well.  

One of the most amusing, slightly warped things I discovered about bunker building in America was each state had specific construction permits, rules etc. 

As a social experiment I rang my local Council here in Christchurch and asked where I could find information about building a nuclear shelter in my backyard. 

After being shoved from Department to Department and finally taken seriously I spoke to some bloke who said in a suspicious tone something along the lines “We don’t have anything specific for the purpose intended and we would need to see the plans”  

I’m fully expecting he noted my phone number down and alerted a Health Dept psych team to pay me a visit.      

Gotta go, there’s someone knocking on my door.   




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