Just a week after it was revealed Pope John Paul got his rocks-off with the masochistic practice of self-flagellation (refer article below) comes another doozy from The Church of Rome.
A foreplay guide of sorts has been published and available for married Catholic couples in New Zealand, instructing them amongst other things - what to pray-for prior to engaging in acts of sexual-congress.
The book entitled ‘Prayer Book for Spouses’ was first published in The United Kingdom by the rather oxymoronic named ‘Catholic Truth Society.’ (rumoured to be an off-shoot of The British Man-Boy Love Society)
So pray-tell (pun intended) what exactly do randy Catholics need to say to evoke a form of evangelical Viagra from their nameless god?
If you want to improve your performance between the sheets, become a sex-god or goddess, you may want to take heed of these mantras next time opportunity presents itself.
Go grab a pencil and paper, feel-free to take notes and undertake your own research as to their efficacy (only married couples need trial and remember to restrict yourselves to the rhythm-method)
“Open our hearts to you, to each other and to the goodness of your will”.
“'Cover our poverty in the richness of your mercy and forgiveness. Clothe us in true dignity and take to yourself our shared aspirations, for your glory, for ever and ever.”
“Place within us love that truly gives, tenderness that truly unites … [and] loving physical union that welcomes.”
I mean to say when you are in need of assistance with you love-life what better source than a group that is run by an eighty year old virgin, represses women's rights and engages in wide-spread pedophilia and cover-ups?
Surely a fine-group of this standing is well placed to instruct others tell others about matters of male/female intimacy.
The Catholic Church spokeswomen in New Zealand and come-back queen, Lyndsay Freer is adamant “Sexuality is an intrinsic part of marriage and prayer is perfectly logical and normal.”
So I have some prayers Lyndsay’s nameless god can answer for me (place your own in the comments section)
Goes to his knees, sits beside the side of his bed closes his eyes and asks out-loud:
“Please god with no name…….
“can I be 18 again?”
“how come an ugly fat guy like Ron Jeremy can get to f*ck over a 1,000 chicks?”
“my wifes best mate, the blonde divorced one, what about a menage a trois and I’ll promise to go to Church the next day?”
"if you were real it would be 12 inches."